


Cherry and Atticus Meet Duckman

by PerkyGoth14



Category: Duckman (1993)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2577182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerkyGoth14/pseuds/PerkyGoth14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cherry and Atticus visit Hollywood and meet Cherry's favorite adult cartoon star on the USA Network, Duckman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cherry and Atticus were riding the bus to Hollywood. Cherry was looking a pamphlet for some sights to see as Atticus stared out the window.

"Hey, we could get a chance to meet Duckman!" Cherry beamed.

Atticus turned to her. "What's a Duck Man?"

Cherry looked back at him. "Not a duck man, his name is Eric Tiberius Duckman, but he's the star of that cartoon Duckman: Private Dick. He's a private detective with his dysfunctional family. His cartoon's not exactly the best thing, but it's cheap laughs through and through."

"How do you know about him?"

"Long story, let's go meet him, maybe he's nice in real life."

Cherry and Atticus got off the bus and saw that they weren't in Hollywood. They landed somehow in some war zone. They were both very confused and they panicked as a bomb was headed for them. They looked around and saw a pig in a hole with a war helmet.

"Hey, that's Duckman's partner, Cornfed, maybe he can help us." Cherry led Atticus to the pig.

Cornfed ducked another bomb, and noticed the kids. "No doubt, many of you may be confused. Yes, I am the same Cornfed normally seated behind a desk at the Detective Agency Office. Some of you may remember me for playing second fiddle to Duckman: Private Detective, slash Family Man. And some of you may remember me for the subtle beauty of my supple calves."

"Cherry's more into that than I am," Atticus nudged his friend's arm to the pig. "We're supposed to be in Hollywood, I don't know how I got here."

"You kids must've taken the wrong bus," Cornfed tried to explain to them. "That's just a bus that tricks you and you end up in a bizarre, confused world like in the world of Duckman. Are you going to see him?"

"That's actually why I wanted to come here, I heard big news about him and Atticus wanted to come along." Cherry answered.

Cornfed looked around to make sure they weren't being watched and gestured them to lean in for some secrets. "I feel it's my duty to share with regular viewers of the Duckman show like this little girl, if you're not, shame on you. As for you boy, check local listings and get with the program, you may wonder how I wound up on this war battlefield, wading in a septic pool of dysentery bacteria."

"Not really..." Cherry stepped back with Atticus.

"It's not a pretty story," Cornfed told them anyway. "But here will be plenty of intrigue, action, and young women in embarrassingly small swimwear... Oh, and a bit of head-bustin', butt-kickin', super-bitchin' violence, if you enjoy that sort of thing. Custom dictates that I start my story at the beginning, then again, custom dictates that I repress the impulse to tackle anything that wiggles in hot pink. So, come with me now..."

"Uhh... Mr. Cornfed, could we just get a bus to Hollywood?" Cherry interrupted his story.

Cornfed sighed. "Fine, come with me." he came out of the hole and wielded a tommygun. "Stay close behind me."

The kids nodded and trailed behind him.

"Is this a normal thing with him?" Atticus asked.

"I haven't seen him this hostile since a Vietmanese pig came to him claiming to be his son." Cherry replied.

Cornfed emerged from a bush with them still behind. He looked at them, then at Hollywood spa gates. "Our story begins here, at the exclusive Abs 'N Ass Health Spa in Beverly Hills. A place where the rich and famous come soak in scented waters and be pampered like the phoney baloney royalty they are."

"How are we gonna get in?" Atticus asked, going toward the gates.

"The power of Hollywood magic, kid." Cornfed replied, clapping his hands together. And by magic, the gates swung open to allow the kids in. "My friend and partner, Duckman, had been living here for nearly a month. Busy basking in the fame that accompanies starring in a weekly television series. Duckman was so intent on living like the king of the big screen, that he completely ignored, among other things, his children, his career, and me, his lovable, doe-eyed, porcine pal."

Cherry and Atticus went inside the spa. To Cherry's surprise, she saw two very beautiful women on either side of Duckman in a jacuzzi. One was rubbing his foot while the other had her head on his shoulder. The kids were then busted and grabbed by the towel boy who charged in to Duckman's private room, carrying the childen in his hands, fiercly.

"Rub a little harder, Tiffani," Duckman told the duck woman. "Right there, between the webbing. Aaahhh... That's it, that oh, oh, oh! That makes the cock crow!" he sipped another martini given to him. He saw the towel boy come in with the kids. "Julio, my little South of the Border friend, my compliments! That martini was dryer than a nun's undies. Say, what're these kids doing here?"

"Breaking and entering, Mr. Duckman," Julio told him, dangling the kids high above the ground. "And, in reality, that was not a martini. It was a sloe-gin-stand-your-granny-up-against-a-wall-then-Singapore-sling-her-into-the-back-of-your-pickup-and drive-her-to-Long-Island iced tea."

"That...Would've been my second guess, either a martini or...What you said, drop the kids, they must be loyal fans, bring me another." Duckman told him.

Julio did as told and dropped them by the edge of the water and went back to prepare more drinks. He then went to do as told while Duckman would talk with the kids.

"Oh, Duckman," Tiffani spoke up. "No thinking allowed, this is Hollywood, remember? Just lay back and dream of a world without butter."

"A world without butter?" Duckman repeated her. "That's like a juggler without balls!" he sipped his new drink and put it down. "You're a good little suck up, Julio, remember, fill it to the rim with gin."

Tiffani paused from her treatment, seeming to be in deep thought.

"Are we intruding?" Cherry asked.

"You kids can stay, as long as you don't cramp my style, I got kids of my own for that." Duckman said, leaning back to relax.

"You find this guy funny?" Atticus whispered to Cherry.

"Sometimes," Cherry turned to him. "When there's nothing else really on, I put on his show because I'm bored and I'm one of the only people on the planet who doesn't have a life on Saturday night."

"Ah, the sweet and innocent Tiffani," Duckman sighed. "Pure as the Driven Show, sweet as sunshine on a field of marigolds, tender as a-"

"Hey," Tiffani lifted her head up. "Are you talking to me? 'Cuz, you just paid a little tub splashin'. If you want the Free Willy special, cough up some cash."

"Nice talk, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Who do you think taught me 'The Uvula Groove'?"

Duckman turned to the other girl. "When it comes to describing your beauty, Valencia, words fail me. I used to have a problem with other things failing, but now all I have to do is visualize a Charlie's Angels sandwich, and I get all fancy in my pantsy."

Atticus came over to Julio and slammed his table like a bar patron. "Gimme a milk, chocolate."

"How about no?" Julio glanced at him.

"I must say Julio, I am admiring your package." Duckman told the man.

"I'm flattered, Mr. Duckman." Julio smiled sheepishly.

"Not that, your sack over all the way by the door."

"Oh, that, that is my sack lunch..."

Duckman turned to the kids. "So, what do you kids want and what the hell are YOU starin' at?"

"We're just passing by and I wanted to come meet you, sir." Cherry replied.

Duckman did a double take. "Wow! You are the ugliest little boy I've ever seen!"

"Hey, I'm not ugly!" Atticus growled.

"Not you! That one!" Duckman pointed to Cherry.

Cherry growled. "I'm a girl!"

"You could've fooled me..." Duckman leaned back, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, whoever and whatever you are, I think you got great taste to see the Duckster."

"Duckman, look at the time!" Tiffani gasped.

Cherry checked her watch. "Oh, gosh, it's time for your television show, Mr. Duckman!"

"So it is," Duckman agreed with them. "That reminds me, I really should check in with the studio one of these weeks and let them know where I am, in case they want to, oh, I don't know, film some new episodes or something silly like that. That doesn't seem right, does it?"

"The TV isn't on, silly swilly." Tiffani told him as Valencia got comfortable to watch the television herself.

Duckman froze a bit, nervously. "Exactly what I was thinking. I wonder where the remote control is? Hey, kids, make yourselves useful and find the remote for me?"

Cherry and Atticus looked at each other with shrugs and decided to look around. It beat standing around doing nothing. Duckman was flirting with the girls as they did, so the kids tried to ignore the vulgar language he was using, it was quite disturbing. They looked in the plant, around Julio, and wanted to check in the water, but with two half-naked women inside, that might not be such a good idea.

"I want the remote control for the television now!" Duckman nearly fumed with impatience. He threw his glass at Julio, hitting his waist.

Julio groaned and took it out. He had it the whole time. "Well, why didn't you just say so?" he handed the remote to Duckman.

"Slow pokes," Duckman glanced at the kids, then went channel surfing. "Let's see... The Yarn Network, The Menendez Brothers Comedy Hour, Sandy Duncan Retrospective, ah, here it is, the good 'ol USA Network."

"Wow, that was pretty great!" the television said. "The New Duckman rescued that whole school bus full of liver diseased orphans from the evil clutches of King Chicken, and then found every one of them a donor liver."

"Wow, now I see the big deal about Duckman." Atticus was impressed.

"This isn't the Duckman, I know!" Cherry was flabberghasted.

Valencia and Tiffani shushed them, then returned their eyes to the screen.

"Not only that," the television continued. "But then, the New Duckman checked them all into a charity hospital that he built himself, completely with recycled materials. He is truly extraordinary. After that, he helped me with my homework, and then replaced the transmission in an old person's car. It was a Volvo."

"I do what I can," a duck-like superhero came on the screen, taking all the fame and glory. This must have been the new Duckman. "Family, there's only one planet, and I feel compelled to make it a better place to live."

King Chicken came on screen, looking angered and defeated. "Curse you, New Duckman, you're unb-b-beatable. I miss the old Duckman. He was a weak simpleton."

"Now, now, King Chicken. No more of your super villanous sour grapes."

The New Duckman definitely got Tiffani's attention as she completely stopped rubbing Duckman's webbed foot. "Ooooh, Duckman, who's that sexy stack of sticky buns starring on your show?"

"I have no idea..." Duckman was dumbfounded. "There's got to be some kind of mistake."

"It has to be..." Cherry whispered.

"It's getting late, kids," Bernice said on the TV. "Everyone off to bed, now. The New Duckman and I have an old bird that needs stuffing."

Just then, The New Duckman and Bernice shared a sweet kiss, much to the old Duckman's dismay. He pulled off his glasses and rubbed them to make sure he was seeing this right and he was sick to his stomach now. And with that, Tiffani, Valencia, and even the water were now gone. Only Julio, Cherry, Atticus, and Duckman were in the room now.

"Who is this Joker moving in on my family?" Duckman snarled, hands on his hips. "Clearly he's insane! He's Frenchin' Bernice!"

"Wife?" Atticus asked.

"Sister-in-law." Cherry corrected.

"It's time for you to leave, Mr. Former Somebody and so-called fans," Julio glared at the three of them, looking ready to fight them. "This suite is reserved for real celebrities."

"Replacing me on my own show might be the studio's way of freeing me up so I can do feature films," Duckman said to himself. "Come on, kids, you're coming with me to Paramount to get to the bottom of this."

"He's in denial." Atticus said.

"Yeah, he's funny like that." Cherry added.

And with that, they all left the spa.


	2. Chapter 2

"The tower of London has got nothing on this place," Duckman told the kids as they were outside the spa gates. "The brochure said this gate was designed to stop an armored tank.. Or Oprah on a patti-melt blender, whichever comes first."

"Can we still go in?" Cherry wondered.

"Doubt it, but it doesn't hurt to try," Duckman walked to the call button and buzzed in. "Let us in, ya hairy clump of fudge!"

"Go away!" the voice from the call button snapped. "The spa is closed, especially to flabby-butt hasbeens like Duckman and John Dever with his brainless fanbase. So, shoo, shoo, shoo!"

Duckman wasn't sure what to do next. Cherry and Atticus decided to help him out.

"Please, let him in," Cherry called in. "His new friends Valencia and Tiffani are probably missing him."

"If you mean the two telephone numbers scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin from Wing Fat's House of Fun, I wiped my skinny butt with it. HA!" the voice taunted, making Duckman even more angry.

"Keep laughing, Island Boy," Duckman scoffed. "I have friends in high places, you know. Well, actually, I know a lifeguard who works in one of those really high towers."

Atticus took his turn at helping. "Come on, he's had enough of this."

"Hmm... I don't think so, friends of Mr. He-Who-Is-A-Headline-From-A-Newspaper-Printed-Far-Too-Long-Ago! You should walk your ugly slack body away from here."

Duckman was defeated, though he didn't sound much like it. "Taking a walk is a pretty good idea, Julio. I think I'll take a walk down to the immigration office and see if there's a finder's fee for turning you in."

"Uhh..." Julio now sounded defeated for sure. "Hold on, I'm opening the door."

The kids and the duck stepped back as the gates open. They then walked together to get back into the spa. They had found Julio who was still by the water drained hot tub.

"Ha! Faker! Fraud!" Julio taunted them, looking ready to fight them before he escorted them out. "The only way you could get in here was to trick your way in, Mr. Nobody and brainless tourists. Now, go away before I get 16th century Renaissance on your feathery and monkey butts."

"I'm having a bad day, Julio," Duckman stopped him from hurting them. "Shouldn't you be meeting Paul Simon down by the school yard?"

Cherry looked confused by that reference.

"It's a song." Atticus explained to her.

"I knew that." Cherry looked at him. She then looked at the matches left on the edge over the outside world.

"It's a book of matches, and it's mine," Duckman swiped it from her. "All mine."

"Those are for guests of the spa only." Julio scolded them.

"Listen, fancy pants!" Duckman spun to look at him, hardly. "Do you realize how much I tipped you while I was a guest here?"

"Yes, I do and I put it in the parking meter this morning."

"You can't treat me like this, you bristly Balkan. I'm going to clear up this whole business with the new Duckman and get my show back!"

"Yeah, right," Julio scoffed. "You, those ugly children, and Bonnie Franklin are going to be back on top any day now. Look at me, I'm holding my breath."

"I wonder if there's anything good on the tube." Duckman took out the remote he kept before he was kicked out. He clicked on the TV.

"There's your show!" Cherry pointed.

"It's getting late, kids," Bernice said on the television. "Everyone off to bed, now. The New Duckman and I have an old bird that needs stuffin'."

"DWAH!" Duckman shuddered, clicking off the television. "I can't bear to see that again."

"Come on, let's just go to Paramount." Cherry suggested.

"Good thinking, kid," Duckman told her, putting the remote in his pocket as they walked to the studios. "Paramount Studios. The people who brought us Laverne and Shirley, without anyone even asking for it. How will we ever thank them?"

The group made it to the front where there was a guard in front. Behind him was a giant balloon for the New Duckman.

"Paramount Studios," Duckman added to his narration. "Every day, thousands of people pass through these gates to create the entertainment that hundreds of people enjoy. Let us in there, you minimum wage rent-a-cop! We have to see the CEO, pronto!"

"Uhh... Name?" the guard asked.

"I don't know his name," Duckman shrugged. "I quit trying to keep track. This studio goes through executives faster than Robert Downey Jr. goes through strangers' bedrooms!"

"No, I meant YOUR name." the guard corrected.

"Duckman! Duckman! As in 'At least I'm not Jon Lovitz!' Isn't he annoying?" the duck told him.

"My Mom likes Jon Lovitz..." Cherry said, lowly.

"Ooh!" the guard sounded understanding now. "Why, they told me to bring you right over, Mr. Duckman. They said, as soon as you slithered up with adronous children, I should bring you right over to the Executive Offices. So just gimme a second here." the guard then squeezed through his booth in front of them. He then had them in a car to drive them to the office.

"Now, this is more like it," Duckman felt better about this day now. "I knew there had to be a mistake. I'm still the biggest thing this studio's ever seen, since Raymond Burr died. Drive a bit slower, my good man. We have to give the common folk a good look."

Cherry and Atticus looked around them. Atticus was taking pictures with his camera of the celebrities they passed while Cherry waved to some, she felt a bit important for once.

"What?" the guard asked.

The car stopped and they were in the office now. Duckman left with the kids to get inside and give the studios a piece of Duckman's mind.

"Who do you think you're dealing with?" a man behind a desk asked as he was on the phone, lying back in his seat. "I am angry, and I will take your company."

"Let's talk business, Louie B. Shallowpockets!" Duckman demanded, even if the man was busy on the telephone. "In my new contract I want more of everything!"

"You peed in the wrong sandbox, my friend," the man, Louie, said. "Today's Blue Plate special is Hot Hostile Takeover on a bed of Don't-Screw-With-Me-Linguine."

"Hey, Juicy Fruit, I'm standing here, let's talk!"

"You're demanding, you old bag of skin, when I put the word out, your stock will flush right down the old fudge bucket."

"He seems busy." Cherry shrugged while Louie kept talking on the phone.

"What should we do?" Duckman asked.

"Hey! We're waiting here!" Atticus called.

Louie still wouldn't notice them.

This made Duckman as red as a roasted duck in a Chinese restaurant. "Okay, that's it! I refuse to be treated like I don't exist!" he jumped on Louie's desk and swiped his gum, or whatever that green thing he was chewing.

"Look, something came up here and I have to go," Louie now seemed to have noticed the group by his desk. "I love you, Mom. Don't forget to make Dad happy." he then hung up and noticed the group. "Yes? Duckman, isn't it? The Old Duckman?"

"You know perfectly well who I am," Duckman hissed. "Now, what's all this about replacing me on MY show? It's a big movie deal, right? I can see it now. Duckman of Alcatraz, My Dinner With Duckman, Big Bad Mama 3..."

"No, nothing like that," Louie assured him. "You're fired. You lack talent, star appeal, and precense. Plus your eyes aren't attached to your head. A recent poll shows that really creeps people out."

Cherry looked stunned now. She took a closer look at Duckman. She never really noticed that before whenever he would have his glasses off. She just thought she was watching her television wrong.

"I've sold out everything in your trailer to pay off your commissary bar bill, and I've assigned your parking spot to the Borg Queen." Louie continued.

"Now, just wait a freakin' minute," Duckman spoke up in protest. "I don't think you realize just how much this studio needs me. I'm your money shot. I'm your Ace in the hole. My partner Cornfed, this devoted fan girl, and I will just walk on down to WB and get a real show."

Louie chuckled at his efforts. "Cornfed is perfectly happy staying on the show. I'd let him out of his contract, but he has no interest on leaving."

"Not a chance, we're practically joined at the hip. We're like Dean and Jerry! Jerry and Ben! Ben and that freaky Michael Jaackson. Cornfed would never desert me."

Cherry twinged at Duckman's 'freaky' comment about Michael Jackson and resisted the urge to pummel him. Louie clapped his hands together to show a hidden passage behind the Paramount Studio poster with a book shelf, secret doors showing a television screen.

"Corny?" Duckman recognized his partner instantly.

"It's true, Duckman and helpful little girl," Cornfed answered. "I'm staying with the show. It's the right thing to do. Little girl, if you were smart, you'd stop watching the old Duckman before he rots your brain out. Good luck with your future."

"I'm not getting this..." Duckman sounded lost. "You must have drugged him or he's got Mad Pig Disease, or something."

"You're wasting my time, old Duckman," Louie said as the new superhero Duckman came in as if on cue. "I've got better men than you to yank my crank if I wanted. You're through, get out!"

"You heard him," the new Duckman proclaimed like a stereotypical goody good superhero. "It's time for you to go home and weep into your lacy, silky, lady-like pink pillows. Go home, little man and take your pets with you."

Duckman looked shocked and amazed at the New Duckman. Suddenly, they were all grabbed by him and thrown out the window.

"You know, that Paramount guy made some good points... I think I'm gonna go see if I can watch the New Duckman." Cherry started to walk away.

"Oh, no you don't!" Duckman grabbed her by the collar and pulled her back. "There's only one place I can go to where no one will forget me, the comforts of home! Home is where the heart is, although other parts of anatomy would like to be elsewhere right about now." With that, Duckman and the kids started to follow Duckman to his house.

"Duckman's not really good... I was never really a fan of his character..." Cherry admitted, walking with them.

Duckman turned to her, feeling betrayed. "And I suppose you wanted King Chicken to win whenever he'd be in an episode?"

"Well... Yeah," Cherry answered, chuckling a little. "Yeah, actually, I'm quite fond of King Chicken!"

"THEN GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

"Fine by me!"

Atticus was sad to see Cherry go. "Cherry, wait!"

"Forget her, kid," Duckman wrapped an arm around the boy. "We're going to my home. You'll meet my boys, Ajax, Charles, and Bambi."

"MAMBO!" Cherry called back as she was disappearing from them.

"Whatever." Duckman muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

Atticus followed Duckman to his house. Atticus looked around, the house looked a little crummy and the yard looked like it had only dead grass. There was also someone bobbing their head to his music as he was fixing some things in the Duckman family yard.

"Mr. Duckman, who's that?" Atticus pointed to the gentleman in the yard.

"What the hell's going on around here?" Duckman glanced at the stranger. "Who ordered this fence installed?"

The stranger didn't answer them, but kept rocking out to his headset. He didn't even seem to notice he wasn't alone.

"Hey, I'm talking to you poster boy for the duh generation!" Duckman snapped that he was ignored yet again.

"I don't think he can hear you." Atticus assumed, due to the headset the stranger had as he kept working.

Duckman shrugged and looked at the house as there was fresh green grass growing in the yard. "It's probably filled with more glowing praise for my replacement. And to think I used to have to get arrested with a clown car full of Aborigine belly dancers to make the front page."

Atticus tried to help Duckman getting garage door open, but it seemed to have been busted. "It's locked."

"The key is broke off in the lock and the hinges are rusty." Duckman added. "It's the garage door and I'm never going to get it open."

"Why don't you give your grass some fresh water before we head in and get comfort from your family, huh?"

"Can't kid, the handle's busted off. I don't stand a chance turning it on by hand." Duckman sighed, looking about the house he helped get and raise children in. "What was my dearly departed wife thinking when she willed the house and the kids to her sister, Bernice?"

"I take it you and Bernice don't get along?" Atticus made conversation.

Duckman laughed, looking at him. "You kiddin'? Bernice and me go as well putting a pork chop in a bear trap set by an Australian crocodile hunter. I don't care what anyone says, I love this house! One day they're going to find out that radon is good for you. Come on, kid, we're going in." Duckman walked down the path to the front door.

Atticus wiped his feet a little and followed. He looked around as they came to the door, but there seemed to have been some trouble on getting inside.

"Locked out of my own house?" Duckman sounded disappointed. "Open up in there, and I mean now!" he banged on the door.

"Didn't you take any keys with you?" Atticus asked him.

"Why would I do that?" Duckman looked at the boy like he asked a stupid question.

Suddenly, there came a very tall duck figure, which made Atticus step back nervously. He neve saw a humanoid duck so tall and big.

"Unlock the door, Ajax! We're coming in!" Duckman demanded.

"Aunt Bernice and the dude from the studio said you or your brainless fans can't come in, former Dod." Ajax told him, plainly.

"Unlock the door and let us in, or I'll take the nine dollars left in your college fund go stuff it in the G-String of my favorite stripper down at Chubby Dick's Strip Club!"

"That would probably be best, former Dod and clueless child in television programming," Ajax still declined. "I've been thinking that institutionalized education isn't the right path for me to follow."

"This is all your Aunt Bernice's doing, isn't it? Dwah! If I had killed that woman when I first met her, I'd be getting out of prison right about now."

"The person who ordered the fence built said, and I quote, 'If your father plans to continue to ignore his family and spend weeks, sometimes months off at the flesh pit he calls a health spa, than I don't want his sorry ass anywhere near here'. End quote."

"Do you know who ordered this fence?" Atticus asked the teenaged duck who must have been Duckman's son.

"I can't tell you fan of former Dod," Ajax answered.

"You can't tell me who ordered the fence, or you can't tell me if you know?"

"Owww... My brain..."

Suddenly, Duckman had an idea, remembering how slow-witted Ajax was in the mind. "Ajax, my boy, what are you doing out there without your winter jacket on? You'll catch your death of cold."

"I will?" Ajax sounded duped.

"Duckman, what're you-" Atticus wanted to ask, but his mouth was covered suddenly.

"You better believe it," Duckman continued to lie his way through to get inside the house. "No son of mine is going to freeze to death on the front lawn of my house where the neighbors can point and stare more than they normally do. You come inside here right this minute, and I'll come out there and take your place."

"Wow, thanks former Dod and nutcase boy." Ajax said, accepting the offer. He opened the door, allowing Atticus and Duckman to sneak into the house as Ajax went outside, reaching for the fence and getting zapped.

"Not very bright, is he?" Atticus asked.

"Teenagers." Duckman scoffed.

Atticus looked inside and saw what appeared to be a duck on the couch with two heads.

"It does not happen often, but you are so wrong. I appreciated the old one much more." one head said to the other.

This made Atticus and Duckman come listen in closer to the twins' conversation.

"What are you talking about?" the other head spoke up, challenging the other. "The old one was all flaky and unsatisfying. You can't beat the new one."

"But the new one is hard as a concrete covered, carbide steel Christmas fruitcake! Not exactly beneficial for nourishing a growing child."

"Hmmm... You've proven your point. I cast my vote for the old one as well!"

Atticus smiled at Duckman.

Duckman was so proud that the twins were on his side. "Charles and Mambo, my boys! It makes my heart swell like Pamela Lee's chest near an open fire that you prefer me over the new Duckman. Come give Papa a hug."

"You boys chose wisely." Atticus added.

The boys looked over at the pair in the room with them.

"For your information, Duckman and brain rotted simpleton, Mambo and I were debating the differences between the original recipe and the new formula for Heidy-Ho Cupcakes." Charles corrected, looking critical at them. He then took out a cupcake from his pocket and gobbled it up.

"But, this man is your father!" Atticus defended Duckman.

"The guy that plucked and polished you," Duckman added, continuing for defense. "You're the fruit of my loins."

"We still want to see lab results." the other head, Mambo, glared at them.

"But, in the meantime, you're not even supposed to be in here," Charles said. "You'd better leave before Aunt Bernice gets home and gives you two aching purple nurples."

The twins then took out a book to read together. At least they weren't hooked to the television like a lot of children were. Atticus looked at them, then went over to go exploring in the Duckman house. He saw something interesting and was about to reach for it.

"Back off, Mouse Jockey!" Duckman snapped at him. "That funeral urn holds my wife's ashes. I'm sure there's some room left. It would be great if her sister Bernice were in there to keep her company."

"Sorry." Atticus backed up, nervously.

Duckman walked from him and watched his coma induced mother in law and the twins still on the couch. "I don't remember having this kind of family trouble before my television series. Come to think of it, I can't remember much of anything before my series. I wonder if...Nah!"

Atticus looked at him, then back at the old duck lady on a reclining chair who wasn't moving. "Umm... Hello there..."

The duck, of course, did not respond.

"It's no use, kid," Duckman came to his side. "That's Bernice's dear, sweet, decrepit, nearly comatose grand-mama. She's our very own fountain of flatuence and a financial sink hole."

Atticus went over to the twins. "Why are you two ignoring your father? What did he ever do to you?"

Charles and Mambo looked up from their book and put it away.

"We're glad you asked," Charles spoke up as Mambo held out a notepad. "Let's see, we can break it down and give it to you by category, such as missed birthdays and holidays."

Mambo flipped the pad. "Or we could show you how his combined gambling losses and the money he's wasted at strip clubs could have built a sewage treatment facility for an impoverished thrid world country."

Charles flipped the pad again. "And we'd have to get out the projector, but we do have a chart that clearly shows that he's only actually spent a total of 32 hours and 15 minutes with us since we've been born."

"Alright, enough already!" Duckman fumed. "We get the point. I guess the selective memory twins here don't remember the pony I got them for their birthday."

"It wasn't a pony, it was a donkey, and we had to give it back after that exotic dancer got out of jail." Charles corrected.

"That's right..." Duckman went into a daydream. "The Amazing Ginger. She certinately was...Amazing." He then shook his head and focused on the twins again. "What can I do to make up for being a crummy dad? Name it and you've got it."

"Nothing, we're fine," Mambo said. "All our paternal needs are being met by the New Duckman."

"Now, if you'll excuse us." Charles added, taking their book back out to finish their reading.

Duckman and Atticus left the room. They then stumbled into the man of the house's bedroom. It was completely empty except for an adult magazine and a crate box.

"What the Hell?" Duckman seethed. "I can't believe this! Someone's cleaned out my bedroom and taken all my stuff! Now I'll have to borrow some stuff from George Carlin."

Atticus felt something squishy under his feet and took it out.

Duckman groaned as he swiped it from the boy's hands. "You've squished my soggy directory of 1-900-Rock-My-Socks operators. Hey, what the hell is this?" he then found some gum.

"I can't believe they even took your bed." Atticus was shocked at how low people were stooping.

"Now where am I gonna get all happy?" Duckman whined. He glared at the box, he was so outraged. "What the hell is this supposed to be? Whose is this?" he looked at the lable as a clap of thunder unleashed and it started raining. "It's addressed to the New Duckman!? That's just dandy! First, he moves in on my TV Show, and now he's moving in on my very own selection of pre-stained thick pile shag!" he grumbled himself a rant.

"Duckman, sweetie, is that you?" a voice came from behind the door.

"Bernice?" Duckman couldn't believe it and he opened the door. He smiled that Bernice was asking for him, even if he hated her guts.

"Ducky wucky, baby waby!" Bernice kept babbling. She looked like a school girl with a heavy crush.

"Bernice, is that you?" Duckman looked at her.

"I missed you so," Bernice swooed. "The whole time I was at the gym doing juicy squat thrusts, you were all I could think about, my little snuggy wuggie. Now, come here!"

"Snuggy wuggie?" Duckman still couldn't believe it, unaware that the new Duckman was right behind him and Atticus. The boy even tried to warn him, but it was no use. "Why, Bernice! If I wasn't so repulsed by you and didn't feel the urge to vomit up my kidney every time I see what passes for your face, I'd be flattered!"

The New Duckman then pounded the two of them away. There was nearly nowhere to go now. They wandered the streets at night walking about as there were news articles about. Atticus was also worried about Cherry since he hadn't seen her since Duckman had her go away before they went to his house. Duckman and Atticus were now on railroad tracks.

"I've drivne away my family, that atrocious little girl, lost my career, and been betrayed by my best friend and partner," Duckman was depressed. "Ending it all is the only thing to do."

"Duckman, stop, you can't do this." Atticus tried to calm him down.

"You're right," Duckman grew triumphant. "I can't kill myself. This Thursday the new Victoria's Secret catalog is due out...And, dammit, Monday is Ajax's birthday! I'm not going down without a fight! I screwed up, but I can win my kids and fan back. And to Hell with Cornfed, I'll get a new partner!" he turned to Atticus. "Say kid, wanna be on the force?"

"Uhh... No thanks." Atticus smiled apologetically.

"Oh, well," Duckman shrugged, still smiling. "This isn't the end of Duckman, this is the new beginning."

Suddenly a train was speeding over on the tracks. Luckily, it didn't kill either of them, but they got knocked right off the tracks and landed into the water. They both blacked out from lack of oxygen and landed on an old couch.

There came two familiar bears, one pink and one blue.

"Oh, no!" the blue one gasped. "Look, Fluffy, it's Mr. Duckman, our former boss and an ugly little boy!"

"They don't look so good," the pink one, Fluffy, observed. "Perhaps we should postpone building underwater habitats for endangered sealife and rescue them."

"I agree, wholeheartedly. Let's go!"


	4. Chapter 4

Duckman slid on his glasses and Atticus yawned and stretched. They both looked around them and saw they were in a pink, fluffy house. Duckman screamed and set himself off the couch they were probably placed on for the night as there were the two living teddy bears dancing to a video together. Atticus was wondering if his mind were playing tricks on him since he hadn't seen living teddy bears before.

"What the hell is going on here?" Duckman demanded. "What sort of psychedelic, kaleidoscopic purgatory is this?"

The two bears stopped dancing and turned to the humanoid duck and young man.

"You're at our house, Mr. Duckman and friend," the blue one said. "We rescued you from a most water grave."

"Fluffy and Uranus!" Duckman gasped, revealing to Atticus who they were. "If the mere sight of you two didn't give me a double dose of shingles and rickets, I'd give you both a questionable hug."

"What's wrong, Mr. Duckman?" Fluffy asked.

"Are you kidding?" Duckman scoffed. "My career is over, my family has deserted me, the only female in my fan base left us for the dark side, and my partner has plunged a proverbial dagger deep into my proverbial back."

"Well, you still have us and your new friend, Mr. Duckman." Uranus told him.

"Why don't you exercise with us?" Fluffy offered. "An aerobic workout will produce natural endorphins that will make you feel oh-so much better."

"Yeah, that's going to happen," Duckman scoffed again as they went back to their exercise. "The only thing that makes me feel better comes in a bottle from the land of Sky Blue Waters."

"So, are they Care Bears?" Atticus wondered.

"No, for your information and copyright reasons, they are Share Bears, foam-filled creatures who somehow stumbled into this land forsaken town and worked for me in the detective agency," Duckman explained. "They disgust me when they sweat, it's so unnatural. Those two little festering fuzzballs...Jamming them through the paper shredder or into the fax machine used to be the highlight of my day."

Atticus glanced at him. "You're cruel."

"And you need to grow a sense of humor." Duckman turned to him. "If they were a breakfast cereal, they'd be sugar frosted, cinnamon toast flavored, chocolate coated, gummy fluff-tarts." he then walked to the TV.

"Hey, don't do that!"

Duckman decided he had enough 'sweating to the foamies' and started to bust up Fluffy and Uranus's TV. However, the TV was still working, and allowed Fluffy and Uranus to continue their TV exercise. He growled and walked off, looking around. He looked up at the fan and smirked as he had an idea.

"Duckman, no, don't hurt the little bears!" Atticus cried, panicking.

"Oh, don't worry, it's Fluffy and Uranus, they love this," Duckman laughed, towering over the bears. "Say, guys, look! It's your biggest fan!"

Fluffy and Uranus looked downright terrified. Their eyes were widened and they looked like they had the stuffing scared out of them. Atticus never watched Duckman, but he felt like he knew what was going to happen.

"That's a good pun, Mr. Duckman, very funny," Fluffy said, shakily. "Please don't hurt us, sir."

"You're stuffed animals, remember?" Duckman told them. "This won't hurt." He then tossed them up in the air and let the fan rip them to shreds. If they weren't stuffed animals, this would be kind of graphic.

Atticus looked nauseous at this sight. He cupped his mouth and looked nervous for the bears. "You do this all the time?" he moaned.

"Oh, yeah, it wouldn't be a Duckman day without these two getting mauled." the duck told him.

Atticus bent over and picked up the torn up bears. "Anything I can do to help?"

"You could put us together, if you want, son. We usually do this ourselves." Fluffy told him.

"Here, let me try." Atticus said, sewing them and putting them together like regular inanimate stuffed animals.

"That piece doesn't go there!" Uranus cried.

In minutes, Fluffy and Uranus were back together and went back to normal business like nothing happened to them.

"Don't ever do that again!" Atticus scolded Duckman.

"Aw, you're no fun." Duckman scoffed. "No wonder your friend left ya."

"She left because of YOU!"

"Details, details... So, have you two turned against me like everyone else?"

"Oh, no, Mr. Duckman," Fluffy answered. "We would never desert you. It's not in our character description."

"That's right," Uranus agreed. "We were phased off the show. Alicia Silverstone now plays the sexy and slightly daffy office receptionist."

"Alicia Silverstone in a detective agency?" Duckman sounded hysterical. "There's a Clueless joke in there somewhere... But I'm too depressed to look for it."

"Why don't you and your charming friend lie down and rest, Mr. Duckman?" Fluffy again offered. "We'll make you some nice daffodil tea."

"Daffodil tea?" Atticus wondered what that was.

"No!" Duckman snapped. "When we were up on that train trestle, seconds before the 5:08 Express plowed us over, I decided we were going to stand up. And fight, to win back my family and career, and that's what we're going to do!"

The bears shrugged at them and went to their exercise.

Duckman went over and spotted the bears' telephone. "It's not fair! Why do Fluffy and Uranus have a telephone and I don't?"

"Maybe you don't pay your phone bill when it's due?" Atticus shrugged.

"I conquer with the nice little boy," Fluffy turned to them. "And we don't prank call college cheerleaders at all hours of the night, harassing them to see what they're wearing."

Duckman rolled his eyes at the bear. "Time's awastin', Atticus, boy. We've got some calls to make!"

Atticus nodded, then looked at the fish tank. He was surprised that someone sweet and innocent like Fluffy and Uranus had a killer piranha in there. "That's odd, why do cute little bears have a carnivorous pet?"

"Fluffy and Urannus have been trying to convert those piranha fish to a passive way of life for months," Duckman explained. "I hope it isn't working." he turned to them. "Are you two still having trouble training your piranha?"

"Duckman!" Atticus nearly snapped, almost seeming like Bernice.

"Don't ruin it!" Duckman nudged him to shut him up. He once again towered over the poor little bears. "Maybe I can help you see eye to eye."

"Oh, I can't watch this time!" Atticus moaned, turning away quickly and crouching behind their couch with a rainbow pattern.

"Oh, you don't have to, Mr. Duckman!" Fluffy said, his/her voice wavering.

Duckman didn't listen to them. He grabbed them by their ribbons and threw them into the tank, allowing the piranha to viciously devour them. Again, if they weren't stuffed animals, this would be kind of dark. Especially for poor Atticus. However, the piranha ate all of Fluffy's fur showing a teddy bear skeleton and gnawed Uranus's head off. Once Atticus came to, he helped the bears again.

"Remember, knit one, pearl two." Fluffy coached him.

As he did that, Duckman decided to take the phone for a spin, but quickly hung up. "I can't remember telephone numbers to save my life. Lucky thing, that's never been the case," he reached into his pocket and took out a familiar number. "Here we go, 1-900-Rock-My-Socks." he quickly dialed the number.

"Uh-oh..." Fluffy and Uranus huddled against Atticus, seeing him as their only protection.

"Hello, Lolita, this is Sergie," Duckman greeted on the phone. "Yes, my spring buttercup, it has been a long time. Well, you know, Interpol business keeps me so busy. What's that? Yes, I understand that 99 dollars a minute will be charged to this number. And please, add on a little extra for yourself."

"You poor things." Atticus frowned, looking down at the bears as they looked like they were about to be emotionally scarred while Duckman would make love on the telephone.

"But, Mr. Duckman!" Fluffy cried to protest.

"What's my pleasure?" Duckman ignored him...her? Whatever. "Well, today, I think I'd like the number nine. The Hugh Grant Special." he then panted like a dog as he was on the phone.

Fluffy, Uranus, and Atticus held each other shaking. This was disturbing enough to hear from Duckman's point of view. They didn't know what this girl was saying to the duck, but they were disgusted enough hearing Duckman get aroused.

"A pleasure as always, my little lemon souffle," Duckman said once he finished. He then hung up, seeming a bit still bitter. "That was a pleasant diversion, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I lost it all, everything! What am I gonna do?"

Suddenly, the front door opened. It was Cornfed. "How about taking back control of your life and career, Duckman?"

"Cornfed?" Atticus and Duckman asked.

"Could it be?" Duckman wondered. "Come here..." he came close to face the pig. "So I can kill you and use you for a kayak! You stinkin', rotten rat."

"Duckman, before you go into a blind, berserker rage and set a bad example for the young gentleman in the room, get your sweaty pink and stink up the room with the smell of wet feathers, let me remind you that I am disciplined in over 27 forms of martial arts, and I know the exact pressure points to render you flaccid for life, and in spite of my diminutive stature, I can still punch harder than Mike Tyson on a first date."

Duckman and Atticus blinked and stayed where they were to hear more from the pig.

"Think for a minute, Duckman," Cornfed continued. "If I really had turned my back on you, would I be here? The only reason I'm still with the show and still at Paramount is because I smell a rat."

"And it wasn't stroganoff from the commissary?" Duckman asked.

"I don't have any proof at the moment, but every fiber of my being screams that the New Duckman is a scumbag and I eat a lot of fiber."

"Of course! That explains everything. This New Duckman is up to no good. That's why I was replaced on the show."

"No, the New Duckman just filled the void you left behind. You were fired because you never came to rehearsals, you ostracized the producers and directors by acting like a total prima donna, and you hit on everything on the Paramount Lot in a skirt."

Atticus shrugged a bit and could see where this was going.

"By the way, Mel still wants you to call him." Cornfed quickly added.

"Right!" Duckman chirped. "Well, how are we going to stop him and whoever is on this with him? We're going to need a... What do you call them? Four letters, starts with P, rhymes with flan?"

"You mean a plan?" Atticus asked.

"That could be it." Duckman pointed at him, then looked back at Cornfed.

"I've already come up with a plan, Duckman," Cornfed explained. "I've prepared a 36,000 page proposal, which I have on Microfilm, or a compact disc that-"

Duckman coughed at him, wanting something less than that.

"Anything shorter, Mr. Cornfed, sir?" Atticus asked.

"Maybe I should just explain it to you using simple sentences and lots of pretty pictures." Cornfed suggested, mainly to Duckman.

"Now you're talking, Corny old boy! Lay it on us, slick and simple." Duckman smiled.

"The first phase of my plan involves you and Atticus sabotaging the New Duckman's public image," Cornfed explained. "Once his popularity wanes he may show his true colors. While I continue investigating on the Paramount Lot, you need to go to the opening of the New Duckman's Superstore. The New Duckman will be there in person, holding a press conference. Once you're finished, come see me at Paramount."

"How the hell are we supposed to sabotage him?" Duckman asked.

"Yeah, everyone loves him!" Atticus added. "Even Cherry left to be on his side!"

"You have to try to tarnish his public image. Find any dirt you can on him and publicize it. If you can't find any dirt, make some up. Something that would stain his wholesome image in front of the press." Cornfed planned.

"I can do that," Duckman said. "I don't know about Atticus, but I know all about how to look bad in front of the press."

"Go get 'em, partners." Cornfed advised, then shut the door and walked off.

"I know what to do," Duckman spoke up.

"Great!" Atticus smiled. "What do you need?"

"Just a phone and my number," Duckman walked over to the phone. "Magic finger, do your stuff."

"Are you kidding me!?" Atticus groaned as Fluffy and Uranus went to him for protection again.

"Hello, Sheena, this is Jorge," Duckman said in a disguised accent. "Yes, it has been a long time, my love, but a Freedom Fighter's time is never his own. Now, do your magic, thrill me with Aural sensations."

The three shook and shivered again with Duckman on the phone.

"Extraordinary as always, my little raspberry tart," Duckman said before he hung up. "Maybe just a little more manipulation!"

Atticus grabbed the phone and put it on the hanging up position. "No more for you, Mr. Dirty Birdie!"

Duckman rolled his eyes and walked off into the kitchen. He saw a blender. "It's a seemingly innocent household appliance, but the destructive potential is making me drool."

"Duckman, no!" Atticus picked up Fluffy and Uranus like real stuffed animals and held them tight against his body like a child snuggling their teddy bear collection.

"Chop, blend, liquefy, purée," Duckman came closer. "Sounds like my senior prom. Here you two, you'll look splendid blended."

"Can we talk you out of this, Mr. Duckman?" Fluffy gulped. He/She/It had been killed enough many times today.

"That's one of those questions that people ask when they already know the answer," Duckman told the pink bear. "What's that called?"

"Rhetorical, sir!" Uranus told him.

Duckman broke apart Atticus's arms to release the bears. He then grabbed them by their necks and dragged them into the kitchen. He shoved them both in with the top and pressed a button to blend the bears.

Atticus went to take care of them. "You are a monster! No wonder those guys replaced you at Paramount!"

"Pass the stuffing please." Fluffy spoke up.

"A baked potato takes five minutes to cook," Duckman stood by the bears' microwave. "Popcorn takes three. I wonder how long Fluffy and Uranus will take to bubble and blister? Are you two microwave safe or will you pump when I cook ya?"

"We'd prefer not to find out, sir!" Fluffy screamed, running out of Atticus's arms to get away with Uranus.

"Come back here!" Duckman chased after them.


	5. Chapter 5

"Come on, Duckman, let's go on our mission." Atticus spoke up after another mauling of Fluffy and Uranus.

"Eh, you're probably right." Duckman shrugged and they both went out the front door. The cute and cuddly house was in such contrast to the big, dirty city they lived in. "Nice neighborhood the Marshmallow Twins picked to live in.

Suddenly a pizza truck sped by the house, making some trash come across Atticus and Duckman.

"That might have bothered me once upon a time," Duckman narrated. "I might have chased down that greasy haired, pimple nosed, Gameboy playing punk and shown him an exciting new use for his turn signal. But, not now, we're on a mission."

Atticus passed the mailbox. He then looked concerned as Duckman suddenly decided he hated the 'idiotic mailbox'. Atticus looked worried and pulled him from it to settle him down. Duckman settled down once he decided it was Hootie and the Blowfish he hated.

"This thing might come in handy." Atticus picked up the trash can lid that was left from the pizza truck.

"It's the same shape as the glowing ship that used to hover outside my bedroom window and visit me as a child." Duckman observed. "Perhaps we can use this later in some unforeseen and heretofore unexpected way."

"To the superstore!" Atticus called and they walked into the streets together.

"Superstore, my great-granny's hiney, let's just see about this." Duckman added on the way there. "I guess you can tell the size of a man's insecurities by the size of his superstore. Why didn't he just by a corvette like the rest of us?"

The two then walked in. There was a giant New Duckman cardboard cut out by the entrance with a welcoming banner. Duckman kept his ranting while Atticus looked around.

"What's the appeal with this guy?" Duckman scoffed at the cut out. "Sure, he's built like a brick pogoda, and his teeth are brighter than a dozen Osmonds, and he's got ruggedly handsome boyish good looks like Mary Lou Retton, but aside from all that, what does he have!?"

"Let's keep this just in case." Atticus suggested.

"Good point, it might help us publicly humiliate this joker." Duckman agreed and collected it to their tools for later.

 

They both then went inside the store. The New Duckman was flexing his muscles for the camera with a couple of people from the press there. However, they didn't see Cherry at all, she had just disappeared from them! Atticus thought for sure she would be in there.

"Okey dokey, Mr. New Duckman, sir," a short, chubby man by the duck hero said. "I think we are ready to go. Just speak into this microphone, but don't use your powerful super crime fighting vocal powers."

"There are countless boys and girls waiting for the arrival of the new talking New Duckman Super Action Figure. Now, let us record the words of wisdom that will speak in my momentum, yet calming voice." the hero told him.

"Oh, brother." Atticus rolled his eyes. This New Duckman was more annoying than the original he had been hanging out with for a while now.

"Fire away, sir." the man told him to record his voice.

"Remember kids, it's not cool to burn down the school." the New Duckman recorded.

"Very motivating, sir, let's try another one. Take two."

"Obey your parents, or I'll hunt you down and crush your windpipe."

"Awe inspiriting, sir. Take three."

"Remember, smoking cigarettes will kill you. And if they don't, I will."

"Frighteningly effective, sir. That's all I need. I can get the production line running now. I'll be back in a jiffy."

"Have fleet feet, my good lad. The noble members of the press await the debut."

"In the mean time, you could entertain them with your phenomenal anatomy."

"A capital suggestion! I'll palpitate my pecs and agitate my abs for them."

And with that, the chubby man left. The New Duckman then went on to doing his exercises for the men from the press.

Duckman looked around in disgust. "The likeness of that no-talent phony, the New Duckman, on a plethora of plastic garbage, garbage that should have MY face all over it."

Duckman and Atticus wondered what to do. Atticus suggested stealing some stuff, but Duckman gave him a lecture about shoplifting being a crime in which everyone loses. They talked with the ace reporters from the press, but all they did was say they were there for the New Duckman only and they mentioned his action figure being released with its features. It could work as well as a can opener and scissors, speak 18 different languages, and figure out a way to eliminate foot fungus. They also couldn't beat up the New Duckman, he'd probably flatten them on public television and no one would bat an eye. Finally, they snuck in a back room with a security camera locking a couple of doors to the Duckman action figure assembly line.

 

"It's over five feet of titanium laced concrete," Duckman observed the knob-less and handle-less doors. "It would take a work crew with a diamond-tipped drill years to even make a scratch... You could even get them away from their current job of chiseling off Joan Collins' make-up."

"There's no way in, I doubt that camera would let us in." Atticus pointed to the camera, watching their every move.

"We got three options," Duckman told him. "We could bypass the live video signal by wiring in a feedback loop. We could bas it in with a rock, or we could figure out a way to outsmart it."

"The third option sounds plausible, but how-" Atticus asked, then remembered. "The cut out! That could be a way!"

"Well, I don't have a rock," Duckman said. "I'm sure this camera is just to keep out the rabble, I'm a celebrity they have to let me in!"

"I don't think that's going to work."

"We'll try your idea if mine doesn't."

Duckman stood clear in front of the camera. The camera scanned him for a few moments, but denied his access.

"Great," Duckman grunted. "First people, and now machines are ignoring me, what's next? Single cell organisms? Radio Shack salesmen? Girls who play Dungeons and Dragons? How long can I get?"

Atticus sighed and took out the cut-out, blocking himself and Duckman for the camera. "Access deny this, you Hal wannabe!"

The camera scanned the cut-out, totally fooled. The doors opened and allowed them inside, granted and they made their way into the action figure assembly line.

The New Duckman's chubby assistant was in there as there were a few toys align, ready to be boxed and sold to any needy child.

"Wowzers, I'm a hungry boy," the chubby man said, weakly. "But The New Duckman is trusting me to get his new talking action figure done. And he did tell me to have fleet feet. But I'm really, really hungry. Except for that box of chocolate frosted dingle pops, I hardly had any breakfast! The New Duckman will be really mad if I don't get this done..."

"Is he talking to us?" Atticus whispered.

"I think he's just in a madness mantra..." Duckman whispered back as the man argued with his heart and stomach.

"But today in the cafeteria, they're having mystery meatloaf," the man continued. "If you guess the main ingredient, you get extra gravy," he looked at the toys, then back. "I'm not superhuman like him. I need nourishment to do my job. I'll just slip off for a quick snack." he then finally waddled away for his food.

Duckman looked around with Atticus. Duckman found the conveyor belt and glanced at the machine. "If I were the wagering type, which I am, I'd bet that button starts up the assembly line."

"I'd say you're right." Atticus said as he looked in boxes for the action figures to be shipped off around the world.

Duckman then clicked the button and pulled the string to the Duckman dolls as they said what they were supposed to. Atticus kept looking around for anything suspicous. He then saw a case of stairs and followed it to an open door.

"What's going on up there?" Duckman asked quietly so if someone was in there, they wouldn't get caught. "I bet it's one of those rooms they add just to thicken the plot. Well, you can count me out."

 

Atticus hushed him, then climbed up the stairs to get a closer look. "AHA!" he opened the door all the way and suddenly gasped. "Cherry!?"

Cherry turned to him, shocked to see him. "Atticus!?"

"What are you doing here?" they both asked.

"What are you doing here?" Atticus asked. "Are you working with the New Duckman?"

"Well...No... Not really..." Cherry stood up, took a few steps, then fell. She then looked back, revealing she was chained to a table leg that had a computer on it with some New Duckman designs.

"Cherry!" Atticus helped her up. "Why are you chained to the table?"

"H-H-He made me wear it!"

"Who?"

"I-I can't tell you... If I told you, he said he'd kill me if I told you or Duckman... You have to get out of here before he comes back!"

"Who, Cherry? Just tell me, who!"

"I can't!"

"Butler, are you chattering away instead of doing your work!? Don't make me come in there!" a sharp voice called.

Cherry shivered a bit and turned back to Atticus. "Just go! Please, save yourselves!"

"Can you tell me anything about the new Duckman?" Atticus asked before he left the room.

Cherry bit her lip and gulped a little. "Okay, just so you know... The New Duckman is not what he seems... He's not a superhuman with powers or anything. He's a-"

"Yo, Atticus, come down here!" Duckman called.

"Just a second!" Atticus called back down.

"No, now!"

"But, Duckman!"

"Atticus!"

Atticus sighed and turned to Cherry. "I'm sorry, I have to go. Why don't you come with us and make up with Duckman?"

Cherry lightly whispered. "I can't... I'll get killed..."

"Says who?"

"I can't tell you! Just go and see what duck breath wants!"

"Cherry, are you gonna be okay?"

"JUST GO!"

Atticus stepped back and left. He joined Duckman downstairs as they couldn't find a way to get back at the New Duckman. If only Atticus could have found out that secret. They came out to see the reporters and there still wasn't an interview going on.

"So, what's holding up this quote, unquote press conference?" Duckman asked.

"The talking New Duckman action figure," one started and they finished each other's sentences from there like copy cat twins.

"Which is being produced right here on American soil..."

"In the factory located in the back of the store, as a matter of fact..."

"Isn't done yet and it's got to be perfect..."

"All the world is waiting to pull that string to hear what it has to say."

"It's an event of global interest, ya know?"

"This is boring, Walter Crank-Bite," Duckman snarled. "When's something going to happen?"

"All in good time," one of the reporters said with mroe finishing sentences. "Because..."

"When you're unveiling a revolutionary new product..."

"And you have the reputation that the New Duckman has..."

"You make sure it's perfect..."

"Because you don't wanna put on a bad show..."

"With the whole world watching."

"Hey, Wood-lick and Butt-stain!" Duckman snapped. "Do you always finish each other's sentences?"

"Oh, I thought that was just me." Atticus remarked.

"Not at all!" one reporter said, which you know what that means if you have been paying attention to the story's dialogue. "You must be..."

However, the other reporter didn't finish that one.

"Yes?" Duckman asked, waiting for the next part of the statement. "We're waiting. Come on, we must be...?"

"...Mistaken," the other one finally spoke up. "You must be mistaken, alright?"

"HA! I knew it." Duckman laughed.

"Should we ask them anymore questions about the store?" Atticus asked.

Duckman hummed before he answered. "No, I'll pass. They're not exactly sparkling conversationalists."

Atticus shrugged, since he never really talked to them himself. He decided Duckman must have been right. "I guess we should look in other places besides this store. We'll come back if we need to know anything else."

"Excellent thinking, come on, let's move out." Duckman led the way out of the store.

 

From inside the store in a window, Cherry looked out to watch the boys leave. She sighed and wanted to be with them instead of where she was now. Her new boyfriend/boss tapped her shoulder, making her jolt nervously. She gulped heavily and turned her head.  
"What do they know?" he demanded from her.

"Oh, n-n-nothing."

"What's wrong? You a ch-ch-chicken? Haha!"

"Stop that!"

"No, I don't think I will. You almost bl-bl-blabbed and rubbed me out! Maybe I should exclude you like your friend and the old Duckman! Perhaps I could make you work on a farm with old McDonald where you'll babysit non housebroken farm animals!"

"No, please! Anything but that!" Cherry flinched shivering.

Her boss came out, revealed to be Duckman's sworn enemy, King Chicken, laughing maliciously at her. "Now, get back to work, PUNK!"

"Yes, sir..." Cherry sniffled, then sat back in her chair and went back to evil scheming with him.

"I've given you everything you could ever want, and I will take it away from you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Kingy..."

"That's a good girl..." King smirked, kissing her forehead. "Now, get back to work and we can be happy just like we were when you ran away to me and told me all about the naughty stuff that Duckman did to make you feel so baddy waddy."

Cherry smirked a little, then instantly frowned again. She then went back to work as instructed.

"By the way, I overheard you talking to your friend," King said, turning before leaving. "That's going to cost you. I gave you jewelry, money, fame, and power, but now, you're going to be a vegetarian!"

"King, I'll starve to death!"

King got in her face, his beak twisting a wicked face. "You like to taste chicken? Well do as I say and you can taste all the finger licking good chicken you desire!" he laughed in her face, then went in the back. "BACK TO WORK!"

Cherry sighed and went back to work.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, you got a tape recorder?" Atticus asked as they left the store.

"Yeah, I thought maybe it'd come in handy after recording that idiotic New Duckman's recorded messages for his dolls." Duckman replied, holding the recorder.

"So, where are we going now?"

"Fluffy and Uranus's, since I don't have my own telephone, they'll have to do."

The two made it back to the bears house as they were relaxing with their video. They then made it to the phone and Atticus held out the tape recorder.

"This'll cook the New Duckman's goose," Duckman took the tape and dialed a number on the phone. "Hello there, Bonita, I'm looking for a little auditory stimulation. Give me some sugar, baby," he then pressed the recorder button and let the woman's words come out.

"Is it working?" Atticus whispered.

Duckman held up a finger as he kept working. Suddenly, he turned off the recorder and hung up. "The recorder's hot. This must be good!"

 

Atticus then took the recorder back and they headed to back to the superstore. They glanced at the reporters to interview the New Duckman and kept walking until they could sneak back in the back. Duckman placed the recorder back in place and had an evil smirk.

"I bet this'll cause some serious trouble now." Atticus giggled, wickedly.

"This is going to be great!" Duckman agreed, laughing. "Hundreds of thousands of New Duckman dolls spouting language that would make a sailor blanch. The controversy will ruin the New Duckman's reputation for sure."

"Let's test them." Atticus said.

Duckman agreed and pushed a button to release one of the dolls off the conveyor belt. He picked one up and pulled the string like he did while Atticus found Cherry.

"Hey there, you steaming slab of manliness," the doll said. "I'm hot for you, baby, and I want you to climb on the caboose of my love train and make me spew hot steam. Chugga, chugga."

"You're going to make me so proud." Duckman smirked. He kept one of those dolls as a back up. "It's the NC-17 version of the New Duckman doll. Chock full of filth!"

"Let's take another." Atticus suggested.

"I think one is all I'll need." Duckman told him.

"Well, come on, let's go upstairs."

"I've taken enough risks already, I am not going up there again."

"But Duckman-"

"I don't care! It's done and done, son!"

With that, they left the back room. Duckman then took out the dirty doll and placed it on the stage as the New Duckman was working out for the reporters.

 

The New Duckman then took the podium, making the reporters look at and pay attention to him, ready to talk with him. "Ahem, good afternoon, gentlemen. THank you for joining me for the gala opening of my new superstore, a place where people may come to buy things with my inspirational face upon them. And now, I am proud to present you my newest item, the one I'm so proud of. I believe one of these fine plastic toys should be in every household in the world. I give you, for only $19.99 plus tax... The New Talking New Duckman Super Action Figure!" he held up the doll to present to the reporters. He pulled the string to demonstrate one of the action phrases.

The doll spoke what Duckman and Atticus recorded instead of one of the phrases it was supposed to say. Duckman and Atticus then rushed out before they could get suspected for any trouble and made it to the front Paramount gate.

 

"We gotta tell Corny about this!" Duckman told the boy.

Someone hidden then whispered to them. "Psst, Duckman, Atticus! Guys, over here!"

They heard the voice coming from a trash can and went over to it. The lid opened it to reveal Cornfed in hiding.

"We did it!" Duckman told him. "As soon as the news about the New Duckman's porn spouting doll gets out, his popularity will drop quicker than my apple stock."

"Bad news, guys," Cornfed told them. "The story is out already, and it's not what you're expecting," he handed them the paper about how millions of people were cheering for the New Duckman 'Adult Toy'. "It turns out the public loves the idea of a foul-mouthed toy for adults... Much in the way they embraced the Sam Kinnison See-N-Say. The entire stock of potty-mouthed dolls sold out in less than an hour."

"Are you serious!?" Atticus sounded aggravated.

"Oh, that's just un-freakin'-believable!" Duckman scoffed. "What else could possibly go wrong?"

"The lab called with your results," Cornfed said to him directly. "Expect painful urination. Duckman, look closely at the photo. See who's lurking in the background?"

Duckman took out his magnifying glass to get a closer look as instructed. "Ted Koppel!? Oh, over there... It's King Chicken! He's behind all this? I should have guessed. What with him being my arch nemesis and all."

Atticus slightly rolled his eyes, then remembered something. "That must be Cherry's new boss, she ran away with him. She's there in the picture with him!" he pointed to the girl wearing expensive looking clothes with the crazy chicken.

"That's your little friend who deserted us! How could he get her to do that? He's either got some manner of electronic device or a really stake Krueller do," Duckman said.

"Kruellers have antennae?" Cornfed asked. "If they don't, we've got some investigating to do. I need you both here inside the studio to help with the investigation. They're hiring extras for the New Duckman show, so if you get signed up, you can join me behind the scenes."

"I doubt Jumbo is going to let us just stroll in." Duckman clarified.

"No, you two have to be on his list. His list is his life," Cornfed handed the duck a paper. "This card has on it the name and address of my agent. It also has something sticky from my pocket. Never mind that, go see my agent and he'll get you on that list."

 

With that, Duckman and Atticus left the can and went to the agent's office following the address and avoiding traffic.

"My last agent dropped faster than a cheerleader with an embarrassing itch," Duckman said as they walked. "Let's see how Cornfed's agent treats us." The two then walked over and saw the office with a Chinese plumbing business close to it. "Cornfed's agent is located above a plumbing supply store? Well, that's convenient with my career going down the drain..."

"Come on, we better hurry inside." Atticus told him.

The two walked into the office to see a humanoid dog behind the desk with a wicked grin.

"Here we are, and brother do we need help!" Duckman announced.

"That's pretty obvious, bubbie," the agent told him. "Haven't you heard that feathers went out with spandex leopard pants?"

Atticus giggled a little at that.

"Look buster," Duckman glared at the man. "I came here to find an agent, not a fashion critique. I need you for to call the gate guard over at Paramount and get us on the list."

The agent picked his teeth. "No can do, Duck-meister. You may not have a reputation anymore to worry about, but I do. I can't just send any losers over there.. I already represent The Two Coreys. You're ice-cold right now, sugar. If you get a few legitimate jobs under your belt, that would change things. I could set you up with a couple of small parts."

"I'm going to set you up with a small part in a minute, pal." Duckman threatened.

"Open hostility is out. Remember what happened to Mickey Rourke?"

"Who?" Atticus asked.

"Exactly," the agent told him. "Do as I say and you'll be on the Paramount Lot in no time. It's just two nasty little auditions, that's all."

"The only thing keeping me from strangling you right now is that I just washed my hands and agent scum does stain so. Okay, let's play it your way. What are the jobs?" Duckman stated.

"The first one is a television gig, so you'll feel right at home. A local station, KMUD, is looking for on-air personalities to help out during news breaks. It's a location shoot, and the news director will meet you there."

"That doesn't sound too tough."

"What's next?" Atticus added.

"The second audition is for live action performers," the agent replied. "It'll be like Broadway, only without the stage or lights or Nathan Lane. A local business has built a theme restaurant and he needs some sort of hosts or masters of ceremonies. You get to wear costumes and everything. You'll love it."

"I can't believe this," Duckman grumbled. "I've paid my dues, Lord knows I've kept in shape. I shouldn't be put in position like this. We're insulted! But we're also desperate... So we'll do it. We won't like it and I'll cry like that big fat baby Paul Sorvino, but I'll do it."

The agent grinned, feeling satisfied with their choices. "Beautiful, that's the spirit. Go get 'em, tiger. Make me proud."

Atticus and Duckman smiled, then left the agent's office.

"Couple of sweet kids, but what a couple of yutzses." the agent murmured to himself once they left the door.

"Where should we go?" Atticus asked as they were on their trip.

Duckman shrugged and walked with him to the side of the building. Duckman took a closer look to see the plumbing office next door. "Plumbing Supplies? But this used to be a strip club. I wonder if it's the same Hung Lo I went to high school with? No, now I remember, that was Hung Lo Auto Supply. I wonder if they're related?"

"Why don't we go inside and see about a job?" Atticus suggested.

Duckman looked closer at the sign before they went in and grabbed the phone at the side. "The billboard company has a direct hotline to report trouble with their sign. How 90's consumer friendly. How politically correct. How am I driving? Call 1-800-Get-My-Ass-Fired!" he then decided to call it anyway. "Hello, room service? Send up a couple of bottles of beer, and a box of cigars, oh, and your billboard's broken." he hung up.

"Duckman, I don't drink or smoke." the boy told him.

"Oh," Duckman looked at him. "Did you want something? Should've told me before I ordered that beer and cigars."

Atticus looked at him, then rolled his eyes. Suddenly, there came a van driving down the road where they were.

"Darn kids, nothing broken here!" the driver scoffed, seeing the board. He then went back and drove off.

"Come on, let's go back inside, I saw food in Corny's agent's room." Duckman told the boy and they walked back inside the office.

Atticus shrugged and followed him.

Duckman went over and saw a take-out container. "Cold take out Chinese food, at least this guy eats healthy."

"I don't think that's healthy, Duckman." Atticus told him.

"Nonsense, the fortune cookies are the only edible things here," the duck took some cookies to eat for later and stumbled upon fortunes and laughed hysterically. "Not exactly my definition of what a cookie is."

"'Always avoid infected men,' 'Respect your mother', 'A happy child sleeps with happy thoughts'." Atticus read them.

"Let's save those for later." Duckman shrugged and put them in his pocket.

"So, umm... What's it like being an agent?" Atticus went to the agent's desk, curious.

"I tolerate you standing there asking insipid questions like that one, sweetie," the agent told him. "Now go get busy with those auditions."

"You are so lucky we don't know what insipid means!" Duckman glared at him.

"I know what it means." Atticus looked at him.

"Listen, Ducky-Stucky, if you're having trouble with your first job, go onto the second. You can do it, I've got faith in you." the agent advised.

"You do?" Duckman smiled a little. "Really?"

"Sure! I have to, it's my job. Now get along, little doggies."

Duckman and Atticus left, then they decided to go into the plumbing place. There was a chubby Asian man there, as if he had been expecting them.

"Welcome, kind sirs, I am Hung Lo, your humble servant," he introduced himself. "The ancient ones are smiling upon me for directing you into my door."

"What the hell happened to Chubby Dick's strip club?" Duckman demanded, rather than asking for a job like he was instructed to do with Atticus. "It wa s here just last week!"

"The health department shut the club down. They said there was more bacterium floating around in a port-a-potty at a Greatful Dead concert."

"That bites! Chubby still owes me for that time I let his ugly sister Hortense give me that scratchy lap dance!"

"I cannot help you with lapdancery, but I can provide for all your plumbing needs. Allow me to show you the Flush-O-Matic 9000."

"Flush-O-Matic 9000?" Atticus wondered.

"If it doesn't come with a busty nymphet shaking her chimichangas in my face, forget it. I'm on a mission, chubby. Take a hike!" Duckman snapped.

"Your flaccid insult has little effect on a Shaolin master," Hung Lo snapped back. "Your pitiful language is wholly insulted for the true communication of insults."

"Oh yeah? Well,...so's your old man! Neener neener neener!"

"Your yin and yang are not connected, winged one, and once again your insubstantial English words have the bite of a dog with no teeth."

"Leave my mother out of this, Mr. Won Ton of Lard!"

Atticus sighed. Duckman's incessant rambling and crude choice of dialogue aren't getting them anywhere. He went exploring about a possible job they could get around here. He found himself distracted by Hung Lo's disability.

"Forgive me, sir, but I have to know," Atticus spoke up nervously. "Why do you have a plunger on your leg?"

"I'm aware," Hung Lo told him. "It was a horrible accident. I was in the hospital for weeks."

"Surrounded by beauteous female health care professionals dressed in those tantalizing white nylons?" Duckman grew interested.

"No, I spent all that time in the waiting room," Hung Lo told them. "I finally got to see a doctor, but when they found out I didn't have health insurance they stuck me with this plunger. I took it as an omen and made my career in plumbing supplies."

"Oh..." Atticus shrugged.

Duckman and Hung Lo spoke about Chinese dialect and offered them some advice.

"Speaking Chinese should be as easy as ordering Chinese," Duckman clarified. "You just point to the menu and say 'I'll have the number four with red sauce'."

"You want everything to be so easy, you don't want to work for anything," Hung Lo scoffed. "That's the difference between us, that and the fact that you have a tiny little brain the size of a walnut, and I have a superior intellect. Ha! Pathetic beaked one can't insult me in a simple language like Chinese."

"Oh, yeah?" Duckman scoffed. "Well,...umm..." he thought of some things to say, and thought carefully.

Atticus leaned forward. This actually seemed interesting.

"Foing fey." Duckman told him.

"And?" Hung Lo demanded more, even if Duckman and Atticus had no idea what was just said.

"Soook fleen." Duckman added.

"Yes...?"

"Ling shoong."

"Like skunk with broken tail, you make no sense!" Hung Lo taunted.

Atticus took the fortunes out of Duckman's pockets and showed some to him. Duckman looked at them and saw Chinese characters above the English fortune. They knew what they had to do now. They could use those words against Hung Lo to get what they want.

"Let's try this again, kemosabe, I'm ready for you now." Duckman challenged. "Krang kase ling shoong gocck heck."

Lung Ho turned red in anger. "Never have I been so insulted! I am disgraced. Along with my family...Nobody disgraces my mama-san...In all my years...I'm going to kick your tiny pink and feathered yellow butts!" he then kicked both Atticus and Duckman into the toilets, but luckily didn't get flushed away.

"Ow, you jerk, you squished my spleen!" Duckman winced.

"We reap what we sow." Hung Lo advised.

Atticus grunted as he came out and dried himself off. "Someone didn't realize that these are only here for display."

"Ah, I'm sick of this place, and I hope I still am an hour from now." Duckman said, then went out with Atticus.

 

The two then went moving. They were deciding between the local pizza place and a woodsy little cottage. They flipped a coin and Duckman's choice won and they went their way to it.

"This oughta be exciting!" Duckman beamed with him. "We're going to be reporters of the news. I wonder if all reporters share a shower after a long day of reportin'? Hello... Maria Shriver, I would love to soap your back for you."

Atticus shuddered and kept walking with the duck. The two kept walking until they made it to the forest cottage next to a gas station. There was a strange man there giving them the stink eye.

"Hey... I know you," Duckman pointed out the man. "You used to be the host of Captain Piddle-Diddle's Cartoon Hideout. Man, I loved that show when I was a kid."

The man looked old and wrinkly, then suddenly formed a game show host type smile. "You bet your itchy Neilsens that was me. These days, however, I'm the head of Action News Department. Are you ready to get to work?"

"You bet!" Atticus chirped.

"We're ready to become dedicated, action-packed do anything for the story on the spot news reporters. Just like Maury Povich...Except not so saggy. I live only to transform the world's tragedies into ratings gold." Duckman clarified.

"That's the right attitudes, sons," the man grinned again. "But this isn't what you call a fast breaking story."

"But, don't we get to interview puffy celebrities?" Duckman started to angry. "Or drop down from a helicopter into a hostage situation? Or do a fluff piece on the new edible bikini wax?"

"You don't, earlier today there was a small fire here at the Christmas Tree Museum. I want you to hang around in case it flares up again. If it does, we'll put you two on the air live. While you're waiting around, go in and get some background from the curator."

"Okay, but where are our scripts? What do we read? Where are the facts and stuff?"

"Facts?" the man scoffed. "You are green, aren't you? The first thing is to remember is that if people want facts, they'll read a newspaper. When they watch television, they want to see other people's tragedies, and be reassured that there's nothing to worry about," he grinned again, showing how charming he is. "And one of the best ways to reassure the viewing public is to put on a happy face. Smile, smile, smile! No matter what a miserable train wreck of despair your life may really be."

"You news people are a bunch of a spooky buncha boobs."

"You have no idea..."

"After years of falling, I've finally landed on the hind end of America."

"So, Duckman, what is this cottage?" Atticus asked once they were free to do what they want.

"A museum dedicated to preserving of famous Christmas Trees of the past, present, and future," Duckman explained. "Yeesh, I'll bet Sally Struthers is involved with this somehow."

"What are we gonna do?"

"We may need to do a little bit of damage here, but not on the outside."

Duckman and Atticus were thinking of ways to get a story covered. The gas station was closed, but there was still a hazardous gasoline truck. They were even next door to a firehouse. Duckman collected the ladder, feeling it would help them get what they need and want. This was going to contain some hard thinking and hard strategy.


	7. Chapter 7

The two decided to go inside and check out the place, there was a frail old woman inside behind a desk with a couple of trees on display.

"They call this a museum?" Duckman scoffed. "I've seen nicer exhibits in bathroom stalls in Grand Central Station."

Atticus went up to a tree that had some Halloween stuff on it. "I wonder if Cherry would know about this, she went on an adventure to a place called Halloween Town once."

Duckman turned to look at it. "This tree reminds me of a bad dream I had last December. I think it was the nightmare before Christmas...I can't. I don't know jack."

"Excuse me?" Atticus looked at him, confused.

"Oh, nothing," Duckman walked to a puny tree. "Seeing this tree brings back the memories. I remember chilly November afternoons in the schoolyard, mocking that little bald-headed kid and his snoopy little dog. I can't resist, I should give it a shake for old time's sake."

"No touching the exhibits, young man!" the old woman scolded him.

"Yeah, yeah, go climb into your permanent sand trap, Granny. And iron out that neck for goodness sakes," Duckman then walked to the other tree in the corner of the place. "The wiring on this one definitely looks like pre-Ralph Nader. Maybe even the pre-the naughty twinle in Ralph Nader's Daddy's eye."

"I guess this is all to see." Atticus observed as there was only one floor and three trees. What a rip-off of a museum for holiday decorations.

"I'm Duckman, ace action news reporter, and this is my apprentice, Atticus...Atticus... Whatever the hell his last name is," Duckman went to the woman's desk. "What happened here? And don't spare the ugly details, ma'am. I'm a trained professional. I'm hardened enough to handle just about anything, unless it involves spiders or sweat-soaked shopping mall Santa's."

"Oh, dear, oh, dear," the woman gnawed at her fingernails nervously. "It was horrible. It reminded me of that fire over at the shoelace factory back in '65. Or that really big fire at the fire extinguisher company in '71."

"It's no wonder there was a fire in here," Duckman scoffed. "This place isn't exactly up to code. There aren't even any sprinklers or even a moist towelette."

"Oh, dear, there's never been any problem before. And the fireman school is right next door."

"Let's try to be a little more descriptive," Duckman said, as Atticus took note of the woman's words. "How exactly did the fire start?"

"Well, first there was smoke, and then everything got so dark. It was terrible. I knew when it first came out that this electricity was a baaaad idea. You wait, next that wheel will start acting up."

"Stop the notes, Atticus. I'm not happy here, turkey-neck. Look at this face, it's not the face of a happy action news reporter, it's going to take some details, here. Cold hard facts, so, cough them up, cha-cha."

"Well, if you insist..."

Atticus was surprised the woman took that generously.

"Oh, but I do." Duckman told her.

"It all started when I was testing the lights on this tree over here," the woman started explaining more clearly. "It used to belong to that nice young man in Wacko, Texas."

"Yes? We're on pins and needles, do continue."

"I was bending over and a little squirt of my denture cream dribbled out my mouth and fell on the wires, then there were sparks and fire and spoke. Thank goodness the fireman school next door put the fire out. It's not something I ever want to see again in my lifetime."

"That covers us until when, next week? I'm still not getting the full picture here. Do you think you could show us exactly what you did again?"

"Duckman, what're you doing!?" Atticus got nervous.

Duckman hushed him and smiled innocently for the old lady.

"Well... I do have a few more doses of my heart medication left," the woman replied. "I guess I could give it a try."

"That's the spirit, Granny!" Duckman praised. "Now, hop to it."

"As I said, I was testing the lights on this tree..." the woman explained, retracing her steps. She tested the lights on the brown tree with a green star. "And as soon as I plugged them in..." she plugged in the lights, then there came a flame suddenly, terrifying the poor woman. "Oh, dear, oh, dear! Hurry! Save the trees! Someone call the fire department!"

"You call this a fire?" Duckman scoffed. "This is nothing. You just relax, we'll be back in a minute."

 

Duckman and Atticus then quickly left the place. There were already a couple of firemen outside, one with a hose and the other with an axe. Duckman found the head host and rushed to him with Atticus and his notepad.

"Fire! We've got a fire!" Duckman cried. "What should I do? Make-up! Fluffer! What should I do?"

"Not so fast," the man told him. "You're a newsman and assistant, remember? Now, get back in there and let's try it again."

Duckman and Atticus then rushed inside the museum to tackle this down like real reporters in a live broadcast.

"Pretty darn lucky, if you ask me," the red-headed fireman said to his friend. "A fire starting right out here on Exam Day. Do ya figure we're going to get graded on this?"

"Only if that fire truck shows up," the other one said. "We got nothing to pump without it. What are we supposed to do, spit it out? The school's supposed to have its own truck, but those darn federal cutbacks."

There was a siren heard outside as Duckman was being filmed with a microphone and Atticus was standing by with the camera. Hopefully this would help them in their graphic adventure they were dragged into.

"Live from the Action News Network, this is Duckman reporting from..."

Suddenly, the hose splashed in, drenching them both. Atticus shook himself dry and turned the camera off while Duckman shook himself off as well.

"...And I bet I'm not on the air anymore, am I? Blast it!" Duckman growled. "This place is a fire hazard. Whoever did the electrical wiring is an idiot!"

"Oh, dear," the woman caught her breath. "And that sweet Tommy Edison was such a nice boy too."

Duckman looked innocent, then smirked. "So, I forget. How did that fire start again?"

"Oh, dear, I'd really rather not."

"Remember, you took museum curator's oath to advise and inform when you took this job, and besides, you don't do what I say, we'll get to wrastlin'..."

"Oh, dear, alrighty then..." the woman agreed, then went to do what she did the last time to try this again. She plugged in the lights again, making another flame come up and making her get worried. "Oh, dear, oh, dear, my trees... My trees..."

Duckman ran out to the head anchor. "Fire! What should I do? Where's my hair stylist?"

"Get back in there and cover the story, and remember to smile, dammit!" the man growled at him.

Duckman rushed back inside. "Okay, Atticus, start the camera!"

Atticus did as told and gave a thumbs up to film Duckman for their television stunt.

"Live from the Action News Network, this is Duckman, reporting from-"

SPLASH! The hose came through again, soaking them. Duckman and Atticus had enough that they could take with this gig and decided to have a talk with their new boss.

"So, news is your life?" Duckman asked, casually.

"You bet your buttons it is," the man told him. "Six days a week, I eat, sleep, and breathe the news."

"And on the seventh day?" Atticus asked.

"I dress up like Jane Pauley and prance around the house with a broom I call Gary Trudeau, silly broom... It does make me laugh so."

"He's certinately not a happy-go-lucky type," Duckman told Atticus. "I guess reporting on a gloom filled world rubs off on a body after a while," he turned back to the man. "Until this fire flares up again, I think you and I should go over a few things."

"Yeah, right," the man snorted. "Go take a nap in traffic."

Duckman and Atticus sighed and walked away. They passed the fire house school and Duckman took a good look at it. "It's always been a fantasy of mine and dress up like a policeman and pull over a speeding fire engine. I'd walk up to the streets and say, 'Okay, buddy, where's the fire?'."

Duckman collected the fire house ladder, wondering what to do with it. They tried to use it around the museum, but it might cause them trouble with the old woman. They even went back to Hung Lo's plumbing, but the ladder did nothing for them. Atticus suggested they get rid of it, but Duckman insisted it would come in handy for later.

 

"What do we do now?" Atticus asked.

Duckman shrugged, sighing.

"Hey, there's that pizza place," Atticus pointed to a restaurant he had never heard of called Dante's Pizza.

"They want us to perform live?" Duckman sounded a little more excited. "I haven't done anything live for years. Even my wedding night was previously taped."

The two made it to the front. There was an eye flaming skull with blood dripped fangs and smoke coming from behind.

"This seems like a place Cherry would hang out at." Atticus remarked.

"This place is great!" Duckman praised. "It reminds me of the biker bar all my uncles used to hang out at... At least, Mom said they were my uncles." The two walked inside and saw a man resembling a human form of Lucifer with a couple of kids next to him. "Hey fancy pants, where's Jimmy Dante? We have to see him about a job. I'll bet a big fat biker dude with only three teeth and bat guano on his beard."

"Unfortunately, I'M Jimmy Dante," the man told him, stroking his beard. "Not a fitting name, but my government friends in the Witness Relocation Program are given to bouts of jocularity and you must be, Duckman and Atticus?"

"Yes, unfortunately, I must be Duckman and he must be Atticus," the duck told him. "I'd much rather be Juan Ecuador, Cindy Crawford's personal breast masseuse, but that was taken."

"It took you long enough to get here, you wilted dilweeds." one of the kids snapped.

"Yeah, your old granny could have gotten here faster even after that horrible incident when someone accidentally plugged the power saw into her clapper." the other one said.

"Children, let's not dredge up any unpleasant memories," Dante told them. "And perhaps the authorities won't either, now Mr. Duckman and Mr. Atticus, you're no doubt wondering exactly what the job entails."

"If it's babysitting Wednesday and Pugsley here, forget it." Duckman snorted.

"Oh, no, no, no, this is an acting job. The theme of this restaurant as you've no doubt discerned is Hades, or The Netherworld, if you will. We've been delivering pizzas for days now, but this only part of the restaurant opens in only a week. Diners will ride in a deep dish pizza through the three scorching levels of Pizza Hell. After descending through the third level, diners will be baked inside their own tasty pizza, which they will have to eat their way through."

"That sounds horrifying!" Atticus cried.

"Thank you!" Dante smirked, devilishly.

"You've taken the wholesome concept of eating out and given it a bizarre twist," Duckman agreed. "I like it."

"Indeed, now, you will appropriately costumed as the Prince of Darkness and one of his fire imps, and you will torment and act as a host to our guests as they twist along the path of the ride. In order to perfect your performance, you will be practicing today with my niece and nephew."

"Sounds like a Kodak moment in the making." Duckman remarked.

"You'll find your costumes beyond this door," Dante pointed. "Give me a moment to prepare the children, then we shall begin."

Duckman and Atticus went to get dressed.

"Now children, I really must get this ride up and running," Dante told the kids. "I can't afford another mysterious death, so please, no live ammunition or poisonous reptiles beyond this point."

"Okay, okay, come on, let's go." the nephew scoffed.

"Yeah, I don't wanna go through puberty in here." the niece added.

"I hope this works better than the last job." Atticus said, putting on his pointed ears over his normal ears.

"I'm sure it will, kid," Duckman zipped him up, dressed as the devil. "Just follow my lead. No one knows the devil better than 'ol Duckman."

"Actually Cherry does, her friend Peach is the daughter of Lucifer himself."

Duckman stared at him. "Cherry's not here, she's never coming back!"

 

Atticus sighed and went with him to entertain Dante's niece and nephew.

Cherry was putting on another dress. She had worn a lot more dresses since she left Atticus and Duckman and started hanging around King Chicken.

"You look fetching!" King praised.

"Thanks, Kingy..." Cherry sighed, lowering her head.

"Hey, now, it's not all b-b-bad," King lifted her chin, making their eyes meet. "Come now, what about you and I get some food?"

"I'm not hungry..."

"Thatta girl, I wouldn't want you to get fat," King chuckled. "Also no more chicken, you're a vegetarian now."

"King, I'll die!" Cherry's eyes widened.

"Stop exaggerating, you'll eat like a bird from now on."

"No, I don't think I wanna do this anymore!"

King grabbed her back and made her face him. "Do you wanna be rich and happy or not?"

Cherry sighed, nearly crying. "Well... I do like the wealth from your evil schemes ever since you introduced the New Duckman to everyone... Duckman is kind of a nonsensical idiot, I never noticed how you were right to plot against him."

King held her close in a loving embrace. "Cherry, even if you're a young human being and I'm an old chicken with an ex-wife and former daughter, you are the girl for me... I want us to be happy forever... I want you to be the girl I picked up from the streets from Duckman who put you down."

"I'm just worried about my friend, Atticus..."

"I am too, dear, he's spending all his precious, valuable time with Duckman while he could've joined the dark side like you with someone to provide you little food, shelter, and anything you could ever possibly want. You got to have... Money..."

"Money is such a beautiful word..." Cherry started to sing.

"I know, I know..." King whispered into her ear.

They both then started to sing Money is Such a Beautiful Word from Tom & Jerry: The Movie. They shared a magic dance and ended up back in each other's arms. King chuckled and stroked some hair behind Cherry's ear as he held her.

"You are a much better lover than Bernice and Honey combined..." King breathed. "Cherry, how old are you?"

"Over the age of consent..." Cherry sighed heavenly.

"That's the answer I've been hoping for!" King beamed, then got down on one knee. "Cherry, you're a foolish girl, you've been a Duckman follower, you made some pretty idiotic friends, if you stay with me for the rest of my life, you'd make me one happy chicken. Will you marry me?"

"What're you nuts!?" Cherry stepped back from him. "I'm a human being and you're a chicken, that's sick!"

King grabbed her arm and forced her against him. "Don't make me angry, Cherry... You know I don't take kindly to when people make me angry..." his eyes turned red.

Cherry's eyes widened, then she frowned a bit, gulping. "Yes, Kingy... I'll marry you..."

"Good..." King wickedly grinned.

Cherry sighed and joined him in another hug.


	8. Chapter 8

Duckman and Atticus were in their respective costumes. They were waiting inside a very warm part of the place with pizza sauce. The niece and nephew then came riding in like Dante said they would be. This was a really interesting restaurant.

"Dancing around in a burlap suit waving a rubber pitchfork really bites the crank handle. I got into show business for the chicks."

"Relax Duckman, just think, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner you get your career back." Atticus assured him.

"Get we get this show on the road, former television dick?" the nephew asked.

"Hold your water, you little..." Duckman grumbled and coughed under his breath. He had hoped they didn't hear him so they wouldn't tell on him to their uncle. "Welcome to Dante's Infernally Good Pizzeria. You are about to partake in the demonic horrors we like to call...umm..."

"The three levels of pizza hell." Atticus whispered.

"Oh, right," Duckman cleared his throat and tried to sound menacing. "The three levels of Pizza Hell!"

"I don't know if our prepubescent little minds can handle this much fun." the niece yawned.

"Are there any more like you two at home?" Duckman asked, seeing how un-amused the children were. Kids these days.

"Alive?" the niece asked. "Nope."

"The two of you should be off getting an education, learning to become good little consumers. Isn't there school today?"

"It burned down."

"Come on, Duckman, we have to start this ride." Atticus told the duck devil.

"I know, if we don't get this ride moving, those brats are gonna squeal to their uncle and we'll be terminated...for real!" Duckman agreed, but unsure of how to start the ride for the demented kids.

"Do you think we're deaf over here?" the nephew asked. "You bet your feathered and pink hynie we'll tell Unc, so get a move on."

"You two seem to attract natural disasters." Duckman remarked.

"Call it a gift," the niece said. "Now, let's get moving. When we get bored, we burn."

"What about camp?" Atticus asked. "Shouldn't you be at camp?"

"It blew up." the nephew told him.

"You kids creep us out." Duckman said.

"You're probably better off being scared." the niece said.

"I found the switch!" Atticus cried, then dashed to a TNT thing. He grabbed the lever, about to slam down on it to start the ride up for the kids.

"Prepare for the troll spew pizza topper," Duckman told the kids. "You will be drenched in a vomitous spray of horrific tomato sauce, along with some demented mozzarella cheese and the meat topping of your choice. And now, let the topping begin!"

Atticus nodded and pushed down on the TNT. However, nothing happened.

"That was limp." the niece scoffed.

Duckman came over to observe the failed contraption. "We've got to fix this pile of junk to get finished here."

 

Duckman and Atticus looked at the demon with the pizza sauce and toppings. They looked through the tubes and saw something clogging the pipe which prevented the spraying of toppings. They couldn't find anything to unclog the pipes and went to see Dante.

"Duckman, Atticus! Done already?" Dante saw them come over to him. "Excellent. I was afraid you might need some incentive. Like I ssay, having your tender meats stomped on by Gene Simmons."

"No need for that, Mr. Dante," Duckman told him. "We're still on the job, be done in two shakes, maybe three."

Atticus was stopping to think of ways to get the ride working while Duckman was playing with the Ask Lucifer fortune-telling game. Though, whenever Duckman asked a question, even a trick one, Lucifer would say "You Will Burn in Hell". Atticus paused once Duckman was mentioning something about the decor of the restaurant.

"Those were wild drunken days back at Animal House," Duckman reminisced. "Until Dean Wermer decided to... Oh, wait, I'm confusing movies with reality again, aren't I?"

Atticus rolled his eyes, then went back to thinking.

"Atticus, I'm gonna go see what I can do about that ride, you stay here and keep the Shining twins under control." Duckman told him.

The dark-haired boy sighed and went back in the extremely blistering hot room to see the menacing children. The kids looked at him, keeping calm, but they were ready to take anything on that would get in their way.

"Are you kids having fun yet?" Atticus asked, nervously.

"Nope, we're waiting for some blood to flow." the nephew replied.

"After all this you two better put in a good word for your uncle for me and Duckman." Atticus retorted.

"If we don't finish up soon, we're going to put in two words for you guys, 'fire their ahh...'," the niece started, then stopped. "Wait, that's three words, isn't it?"

Before Atticus knew it, Duckman came back with a plunger.

"Where did you go?" Atticus asked.

"Hung Lo's plumbing, where else would I get a plunger?" Duckman asked.

"Your mama's endlessly clogged toilet." the niece taunted.

Atticus glared at the children. "Those kids are just plain rude!"

"Kids these days..." Duckman scoffed, then unclogged the pizza topping tube with his plunger, making what looked like a potato fall out.

The nephew was obviously hungry and ate the foreign object.

"Now we're cooking with gas," Duckman felt better. "Oh, wait, that's the next puzzle. Atticus, if you will."

Atticus nodded and pulled down on the trigger to make the niece and nephew go into the next level of Pizza Hell once they were drenched in pizza sauce. They went through the doors to the next level and Duckman and Atticus walked to their way to meet with the kids there.

 

"So, you're back for more ghoulishly tasty entertainment, huh?" Duckman greeted them.

"Like we really have a choice?" the niece scoffed. "We're stuck in this thing."

"Good." Atticus murmured under his breath.

"Yeah, whatever," Duckman scoffed at her. "Well, be prepared to be baked inside to a horrifying crisp, here inside...The Broiling Bowels of Beelzebub!"

"So, get on with it already." the nephew said, impatiently.

"Should we get something to help us back there?" Atticus asked, gesturing to the first level in the back.

"Been there, done that," Duckman told him, not wanting to go back.

They had to think of ways to get the kids to the next level again.

"You guys are rotting your brain with that video game." Duckman remarked as the kids were getting agitated.

"We can only hope," the nephew said. "It's Medieval Bloodlust Part III. One secret move lets you carve a guy clean in half. From his helmet down to his nuts... The batteries are getting low."

"Your uncle scares the hell out of me," Duckman lightly joked. "You two like him?"

"He's wicked, mean, vile, and socially reprehensible. What's not to like?" the niece asked.

"Maybe that's why people left you." Atticus told the duck. "Enough of idle chit-chat, let's get this ride moving." he went to the TNT thing.

"According to the employee training video, once depressed, this thing will fire up the oven." Duckman explained to the boy before he set it off.

"It needs to heat up though," Atticus told him. "I read the employee manual. It says that this thing is supposed to heat up to 500 degrees in a matter of seconds."

"I see," Duckman scratched his beak. "That's hot enough to cook your goose or bake a pizza. All we've got to do is fire it up. Try it now as a test."

"Here we go, kids," Atticus told Dante's demented relatives. "This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me..." he then dropped his voice low. "Which I would really like for once..." he then slammed down the buttons, but only light smoke came out.

"Tick tock, tick tock, old dudes," the nephew taunted. "Get this thing happening or we file a report with Unc and you're both ancient history."

Atticus looked at Duckman, hoping he wouldn't get an anuerysm and try to actually kill the children.

"I'm calm. I'm cool. I won't kill them...Yet," Duckman assured him. "I can wait a few more years until they're not minors."

"Won't light up until we find a way," Atticus looked inside the oven, then went to Duckman. "Maybe the spare room has something."

 

Duckman shrugged and went over with him. They opened the spare room door and stepped inside. There were pipes, an Elvis poster, and a lot of spare boxes.

"So, this is the maintenance room," Duckman observed. "Fiendishly clever."

"Duckman, I think every business has a maintenance room." Atticus told him, dryly.

"Hey, this poster has glow in the dark paint," Duckman came closer to look at the poster of the legendary king of rock and roll. "I wonder if this still glows up." he took the poster and rolled it up.

"I dunno, let's test it." Atticus suggested.

Duckman went to the door. "Close, says me." he then shut the door and it was completely pitch black. "Open says me." he then opened the door again. Duckman and Atticus went to a corner outside the room as Dante anxiously waited for his niece and nephew to come out and talk about the fun they had with the pizza ride. "Yee haw! Elvis lives!" Duckman praised about the poster. "This puppy is all charged up and glowin' now."

 

Duckman and Atticus went back to the kids. They had to get the oven working as soon as possible, then they can put an end to this pizza mission. They put the poster in the maintenance room to keep the light lit while they could have the door closed and set a match to the pilot light to the oven. Duckman and Atticus exploded a little from the impact, but they were alive and the restaurant shook a bit. Even the door was knocked down. It was perfect and now they could go in and start the oven for the bratty children.

"Hold onto your hats, you little Rugrats, cuz it's gonna be a hot time in the old pizza oven tonight!" Duckman praised.

Atticus took the signal, then pressed down on the TNT trigger. There was a huge flame inside the oven, nearly burning the niece and nephew up, even losing their hair and being burnt to a black coal color. They were then sent to the final part of the ride. There was a figure of Lucifer, or Satan, standing over them wickedly with a deathly chainsaw.

 

Duckman evilly laughed. "Welcome back. You couldn't resist, could you? You had to come back for even more ghoulishly good entertainment."

"We're baked into a pizza, spuds," the niece retorted. "We didn't have many options. Let's get this over with.'

"Get ready to go to pieces in this, the final level of Pizza Hell!" Duckman cackled. "The Chainsaw Massacre Slice 'N Dice Ginsu Chamber of Horrors!"

"Yeah, we're scared," the nephew snorted. "If we weren't stuck in this crap, we'd be shaking."

"Did you two self-reproduce out of a rancid puddle of pure evil, or do you two have parents?" Duckman asked, impatient with them while Atticus went to the TNT trigger, as part of his job description.

"What do you mean?" the nephew questioned. "Are you implying that we're holding our parents captive up in the attic, feeding them just enough food and water to keep them alive so they can sign our report cards? Is that what you're saying?"

Atticus's eyes widened. What kind of town were these children raised in?

"You two are creeping me out," Duckman shuddered. "Are you twins?"

"We were once, but not anymore." the niece answered.

Atticus then finally noticed the two were playing video games. That must have been what Duckman had been talking about earlier. "Don't you know that too many video games are bad for you?" he asked.

"Only if you wrap the cord around someone's throat and hold it for at least five minutes, then they can be real bad for you." the nephew replied to him.

"We've had our fill of you two." Duckman snapped.

"That's funny," the niece remarked. "That's what our last parole officer said. She should be back on solid foods about now."

"I've had it, Atticus, you stay because I know you wouldn't kill a child, I'll be right back." Duckman mysteriously left again.

Atticus grunted and sat next to the kids. He decided not to converse with them this time because that just leads to very painful words from foul-mouthed brats. The kids kept playing their mindless video games, not really focusing on anything or anyone until the ride would start again. Luckily for Atticus, the kids were prevented from moving so they wouldn't climb out and try to hurt him. Duckman finally came back with a wrench as Atticus fell asleep.

"Duckman, what took you so long?" Atticus asked, yawning.

"Traffic was terrible. Alright, big fella, let's see if this gets your engine running," Duckman remarked, then used the wrench to fix up Lucifer's chainsaw, then dropped back down. "Just gotta finish this one level and we're home free."

Atticus yawned agian, nodding, then went to the TNT thing. "Ready! This is it, the moment you've all been waiting for."

"What? You're going to pummel yourselves to death with a sock full of nickels?" the nephew laughed.

"No, even better," Duckman let the snide comment slide. "The Texas Chainsaw Slice 'N Dice Ginsu Chamber of Horrors is finally ready to begin. Hang on, because here we go!" he signaled Atticus one last time.

Atticus nodded, then slammed down on the TNT trigger. The Chainsaw whirred and cut just in between the kids, making them into separate slices and able to get out of the pan as they went out to meet with their uncle. The two were then happily enjoying and eating their pizza while Atticus and Duckman went to meet up with Dante about their reward.

 

"Excellent job, Duckman and Atticus," Dante congratulated. "The children are happily eating their pizza and the ride is working to perfection. I don't know how to begin thanking you."

"You got sisters you can set us up with?" Duckman started to ask, taking advantage of Dante's approval toward them. "Couple of lonely aunts? Any well-preserved grannies?"

"None for me, I'm fine, actually." Atticus spoke up.

"Unfortunately, no," Dante told them gently. "But allow me to present you with my card. It has our toll-free telephone number on it for prompt and speedy pizza delivery service. Just dial, 1-800-Embrace-The-Darkside."

Duckman took the card and gave it to Atticus to hold onto. "Hey, that used to be Ozzy Osbourne's telephone number...Before he got old and saggy and a dove pecked out his retinas."

Duckman and Atticus then left Dante's pizza. That hell-bent mission was finally over. Where else to go now, but the agent's office? Hopefully that got them both some recognition.


	9. Chapter 9

Duckman and Atticus entered the office.

"Those are my boys," the agent greeted warmly. "I have other clients, sure, but it's you that make me the proudest. You're the best, and I'm just saying that because that's my job. Feast your oh-so talented eyes on this." he took out the paper which had an article on their jobs in Dante's Pizza with their uniforms.

"I hear chicks dig horny men," Duckman observed. "We should have kept the costumes."

"This is incredible!" Atticus sounded chipper. "Plus, we can have all the pizza we want to celebrate." he took out the card Dante had given them as a momentum of his generosity. "Isn't working with Mr. Dante enough to get us through Paramount?" he asked the agent.

"Atticus-o-rama-ding-dong, if only it were that simple," the agent told him. "Just trust me. You're big lumps of clay in the hands of the master here. Let me shape you two and mold you and form you into something that Paramount will be begging for."

"Well, since you put it that way, yes, Atticus will marry you." Duckman said.

"WHAT!?" Atticus gasped suddenly.

"He'll marry you or trust you, and I will too," Duckman continued. "Or, whatever you said."

"Just go out there and get those newsmen jobs, that's all." the agent reminded them they still needed to do and finish that position.

Duckman and Atticus shrugged, leaving the office and decided to return to the Christmas Tree Museum.

"The kids are troopers, but what a couple of schnutzes!" the agent scoffed once they were out of ear shot.

 

Duckman and Atticus left the building. Atticus noticed a cherry picker truck, but ignored it. Atticus went for the Christmas Tree Museum, but Duckman went another way. Atticus panicked and started following him.

"Where are you going? We need to do that news thing." Atticus reminded him.

"I know, just gotta make a stop first." Duckman assured.

The two wound up back in Fluffy and Uranus's house. Atticus just hoped that Duckman wouldn't torture those little bears again and waited to see what he had intended to do.

"This ought to be mildly entertaining." Duckman said, taking out the card to Dante's and went for the telephone.

"You poor, misunderstood, estranged creatures." Atticus muttered, looking at the pink and blue teddy bears as they were innocently minding their own businesses.

Duckman dialed the number and placed an order in a fake European accent. "Jess? This is Dante's Infernally Good Pizza? I would very much like to, how you say, odor 58 extra-large, double cheese, double meat, double crust pizzas. Please put zee smelly anchovies and garlic on it, because I am one smelly Frenchman from Paris, France."

Atticus sighed and wondered why he was putting up with Duckman. He wished he could find Cherry so they could go back home where they belong and not this crapsack world.

"Pardon mauve?" Duckman asked on the phone. "Yes, to drink I would like a 12 bottles of your finest diet chocolate soda. Wee, yes, this is Fluffy and Uranus's house. Telephone technology is so amazink!"

"I don't think this prank will go very well, Duckman," Atticus snapped, firmly. "They're gonna know this is a joke and-"

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"Now, who could that be?" Fluffy wondered.

"I was just feeling the burn." Uranus added.

Fluffy was the one who answered the door. "Hello?"

"Greetings my little fuzzy friends," the delivery man welcomed, even if he were the guest in the house. "Thank you for embracing the dark side and ordering from Dante's. We only use real cheese. I have here your pizza delivery. That will be $327 please."

"Oh," Fluffy frowned. "We didn't order any pizzas, but since you went to the trouble to cook them and bring them over, so I guess we'll pay for them."

"Please see that they're delivered to the needy." Uranus added.

"Yes, you know, the homeless...Charlie Sheen...Buh-Bye!" Fluffy waved off the pizza man and shut the door.

Duckman laughed a bit at his prank. It didn't go the way he expected, but it was just too much. Atticus cringed a little bit though.

"Okay, that's enough, we're leaving." Atticus grabbed Duckman's hand and pulled him out to now return to the Christmas Tree Museum.

"Whatever." Duckman scoffed and followed him.

 

The two needed to get the place on fire, but how? Every time they did and Duckman would be filmed for the news, the firemen put out the tiny fire and they would be put off the air. They came to the gas station, passing the museum and saw the gas truck. Too bad it was put off, otherwise something could help them to get an even bigger fire.

"Hey, I got an idea!" Duckman beamed once he saw a can of red spray paint.

"Oh, boy..." Atticus sighed.

Duckman took out the spray paint and went around the truck, painting it to look exactly like a firetruck. "It reminds me of the time that fortune-teller asked me if I wanted my palm red."

"I think you took that phrase wrong." Atticus suggested.

Duckman and Atticus sorted out various plots and plans to get what they wanted. This required a lot of hard work because of how reluctant Duckman was at several points. Atticus threw some suggested, but Duckman found most of them to be stupid. Atticus even suggested matches, but they needed to get the fire elsewhere like inside the museum. This was really, really difficult.

The boys went inside the museum and told the old lady about the fire thing and once again got a fire going with the firemen ready to put the fire out, but the truck wasn't coming yet. Duckman went to reporting and Atticus did the camera work again.

"Atticus, what are we going to do?" Duckman asked.

Atticus sighed, admitting defeat, but didn't want to give up. "I thought they'd accidentally take that gasoline truck."

"Come on, we're going home."

"Home... Hey, I just remembered! Your family installed that electric fence, right?"

"Uhh... Yeah?"

"Maybe that could help with the fire!"

Duckman thought about it, then gently smiled. "You MAY have a point... Let's go try it!"

 

Atticus nodded and they went back to the Duckman house. Once they got there, the high voltage electric fence was fully installed. Very likely put up to keep out Duckman forever. The two then saw the hose screw and went to it, Atticus handed Duckman the wrench.

"This should turn the faucet on," Duckman said, taking the tool. "Lee Majors must have used one of these." He screwed the faucet handle a few times and turned to see the house shake, but the fence stopped sparking and the sprinkler came on. "Great! The fence is shorted out."

"Hey, a tool box!" Atticus beamed, grabbed it and ran to take it, but fell right back down. "Heeeeyyy..."

Duckman took a closer look at the box. It seemed attached. "Stephen Hawking Jr. left his tool box chained to the electric fence."

"We may need it later." Atticus suggested before just leaving now.

"Alright, now let's see if it was worth all the trouble," Duckman sighed, agreeing. "I'll be steamed if all that's in here is an old Limburger sandwich and a left-handed monkey wrench."

Atticus opened it to see the contents. "It's a book called 'The E-Z Way to Picking Up Women'."

"Lemme see that," Duckman swiped it to take a closer look. "How lame... How pathetic, how...sticky... I'll be doing him a favor by taking this. I don't know how, but... What the hell?"

Atticus grunted and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "I'm not sure if I can take much more of this... Should we look for something to help with the fire at your place?"

"Getting into the house isn't going to solve our problems." Duckman told him. "Though, if King Chicken and your friend plan on getting Bernice and the kids, they're safe in the house. I've got to protect them at the studio though."

"Cherry wouldn't kidnap anyone... Sure, she's a little hissy one in a while, and she likes to have picnics in the cemetery and locks herself inside her house until winter, but she's not a terrible person, Duckman."

"Oh, suuuure make me the bad guy!" Duckman said as they went directly back to the museum.

Atticus grunted at him in annoyance, but did his best to hold in any possible anger. "Man, what are we gonna do?"

"I'm so mad I could just burn down that New Duckman right now if I had him!" Duckman growled. "Hey, why don't we go to the superstore? Burning down some of his stuff will soothe my rage."

"I'm sure they have something we can burn..." Atticus shrugged and went along with it.

The two went on their near endless journey and went to the New Duckman Superstore. They went away from the now empty podium lacking the new Gary Stu type superhero and the interviewers. Nearly everything with the New Duckman's image was sold out, but the two made it to the Nostalgia Section. Down the aisle there were old Duckman rubber toys with a pig like man operating beside it. It seemed very likely no one wanted any of the old Duckman stuff so there were plenty to go around if anyone was desperate enough to buy it.

"Hello, welcome to Denny's!" the pig greeted, then got nervous. "I mean... Welcome to the opening day of the New Duckman Superstore. We had quite the sell through during our first 20 minutes, but we do have a couple of items left in our Nostalgia Section. I guess before the New Duckman, there used to be this other dummy."

Atticus snorted a little, trying not to laugh at Duckman's expense.

"Yes, there was, you vocational guidance counselor's worst nightmare," Duckman scoffed, hands on his hips. "Now, what sort of stuff do you have left?"

"Well, actually, there's only one product, and I've got to sell at least one or I'll be in the deep pooky with the big guy," the pig explained. "It's called Wacky Putty and it's in the shape of the old Duckman, so you don't get much of it, and what you do get is soft and flabby. It's not good for much. I jammed a bunch of it up my nose to impress a girl, but it didn't do any good."

"Classy." Atticus deadpanned.

"Who can figure women, huh?" Duckman joked.

"Hey!" Atticus formed an idea quickly. "Duckman, this guy sounds like he could use some help impressing the ladies." he nudged the duck's arm a bit.

"What're you blabbing about, meat puppet?" Duckman gave him a look.

Atticus took out the book they picked up and put it in Duckman's hands.

"Oh, yeah!" Duckman remembered, then went to the pig. "Hey, Romeo, if you really want to pick up women, take off that stupid hat and give this book a try."

"Do I have to read it?" the pig asked, stupidly.

"No, Brainiac," Duckman snapped while Atticus rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "You beat women over the head with it, and then you can pick them up and take them home."

The pig squealed with delight. No pun intended. "I'm gonna score better than Greg Norman at Superputt with this," he took the book with absolute pleasure. "Here, have my discontronic hat as a token of my appreciation." he put the hat right on Atticus as he opened the book and started to drool and moan like a mindless zombie.

"Great, thanks... And the poor boy here without his can of Lice-B-Gone..." Duckman deadpanned.

Duckman and Atticus took the hat, the pig wouldn't respond to anything they would ask him. Atticus saw the Wacky Putty and since random things they collected along the way on their adventure came in handy later, he decided to take the Wacky Putty. They then went back to the Christmas Tree Museum.

 

As soon as they arrived, Duckman made way for the red-painted gasoline truck and put the pig's hat on it. Now it looked like a fire engine siren. "Now it's got emergency vehicle written all over it," Duckman remarked. "Just like my inflatable sausage."

"Now we're in business." Atticus gave a thumbs up.

Duckman and Atticus made their way over to the museum to go over the routine with the old woman behind her desk. Atticus took out the camera he left behind and got ready for filming for the Action News Network. Duckman told Atticus to come out with him once the fire sparked. They both left as they planned and told the lead news anchor about it and he told them to get going with it.

Atticus stood aside to film and Duckman rode in the gasoline truck. Atticus filmed from inside the window and Duckman ditched the truck and went right back inside to film. The firemen admitted they had never seen the truck before so they used it anyway. Duckman signed in, then suddenly the hose gushed the gasoline and caught the whole place on fire.

"I can't believe we did that!" Atticus ran with Duckman to avoid any sort of trouble or punishment.

"It's show business, kid!" Duckman told him.

 

The two made it back to the agent's office. They were finally free.

"The trade papers love you, Ducky and Atty Howser," the agent said, warmly. "Here, take a gander. Oops, sorry." he showed the newspaper that had caught Atticus and Duckman reporting and nearly burned alive.

"Holy smokes, we're on fire!" Duckman exclaimed.

"Here they are, here are the men!" the agent let out a big whoop. "Good work Duck and Att-Master-General. You da men. I called over to Paramount and you're in, go for it, dudes."

Duckman and Atticus felt so refreshed. They left the office and went to Paramount Studios. Things were finally looking up to them.


	10. Chapter 10

Duckman and Atticus wandered the streets after leaving the agent's office. He advised them and assigned them to Paramount. Even Atticus has a shot here. Duckman wanted to joke with Fluffy and Uranus again, but Atticus protested against it. Duckman was really eager to fool with their furry little heads again, but Atticus restrained him. They couldn't go to the Christmas Tree Museum because the fire inspector might still be around, so might as well go to Paramount Studios. However, Duckman tricked Atticus and went to the bears' house anyway.

"Duckman, no! I'm not being apart of this anymore!" Atticus grunted. He coud just bail on Duckman, but he still wanted to get Cherry back, they had been friends a long time now and she became a sister to him.

"Fine, I'm welcome in their house anytime, you stay here." Duckman told the boy, taking out Dante's card and went into the house.

Atticus shuddered and looked at the furry bears' house. It looked like it belonged in some G3 My Little Pony rip-off or a prissy beauty pageant little girl's doll house. Suddenly, the pizza van came really quick and Atticus fell into the bush.

"Huh, speedy delivery." Atticus said into the camera, surpirsed the pizza order and van came that quickly.

The delivery boy rang the door bell with the pizza orders for the bears. "Greetings, I have your infernally good pizza."

"Again?" Uranus was dumbfounded. "I'm afraid we're out of cash. Would you take a check?"

"Gladly." the boy told him.

"And please see the pizzas go to the poor and unfortunate," Fluffy advised. "Like Willie Nelson."

Duckman laughed. He really needed a laugh that time, so he decided that this was enough and he met back with Atticus. "Alright, let's go."

Atticus sharply sighed and rolled his eyes, going with Duckman to Paramount. They made it to the front, only to be blocked by the guard.

"Hey, Manny Many-folds!" Duckman called. "Go on and check your stinkin' list. Ya know what's going to be on that high and mighty, dearly beloved piece of crap sheet of paper? Our names! Us!"

"No need," the guard told him, gently. "Just got in a memo saying the list has been discontinued. You look honest enough. Go on in."

"Oh, thank you, sir." Atticus smiled friendly.

"Look at the list! Look at the list!" Duckman snapped, even though he and Atticus were free to go in. "Look at it or I swear by all that's holy, I'll squeeze the crème filling right out of you!"

"Duckman!" Atticus yelled. "They said it was okay!"

Duckman was about to attack the guard. "Oh... Okay, good boy, Atticus. I'd give you a treat, but I don't know what you like, so let's just go." he said calmly, then left inside the studio.

They came to the lost and there were two stage sets and there was one trailer that said KC on it.

"Home away from home!" Duckman smiled joyously. "It doesn't look like things have changed much since I've been gone. Those Star Trek freaks are still filming on the next sound stage. Beam them the Hell outta here, Scotty!"

"Cherry told me that one of her favorite episodes of your show was when you did that Star Trek parody." Atticus added.

Duckman looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "That episode never happened! You hear me? Never happened!"

"King Chicken, please report to... Is this thing on? What? Oh, yes, I turned that knob," a voice on the intercom called. "Hey! Hands off! I was gonna eat that later! Ahem, King Chicken and Cherry please report to your trailer and pick up the intercom. That is all, over and out."

"Cherry..." Atticus whispered a bit.  
"Hurry, that might be coming!" Duckman took Atticus and they dashed to hide away behind the covinetely placed nearby pay telephone. "It's a public telephone! It's teaming up with more germs than Dennis Rodman's pillowcase!"

King and Cherry did indeed come. Cherry was right behind King and she was dressed in what looked like a prostitute of a wife to a very rich man. She even had heavy makeup on her face and her hair was dyed platinum blonde.

"Better be the insipid arms dealer," King grunted as they got to the door. "Oh, dread, what's that combination again?"

"Look under your shoe..." Cherry said, her voice sounded faded.

"Right!" King did as told and looked under his shoe and dialed the lock combination to get inside the trailer. Once he opened it he went in with Cherry to do as the Messager said. "Yeah, what is it? No, you moron, I said I wanted Soviet Tank Missiles, not Alaskan King Crabs! Buck! How are we supposed to conquer the world with a bucket of seafood?"

"I'll take some..." Cherry said, wearily.

"We'll get some for dinner tonight after the secret plans." King told her, hanging up and leaving the trailer with her. He then muttered as they went back to the soundstage. "'Give your nephew a job,' she said... 'How much trouble could he cause?', she said... Buckin' relatives!"

"Whew, that was close, he almost saw me." Duckman breathed, relieved.

"Hey!" Atticus snapped, that he was left out.

"Oh, what could he possibly do to you?"

"Well, look at what he did to Cherry! Anyway, how are we gonna stop him?"

"I think I have a plan," Duckman told him and went to the door, dialing a combination but was still locked out. "Crab cakes! It's locked and 36-24-36 isn't the combination."

"King Chicken has a pretty big trailer for being the villain of your show." Atticus observed.

"I know, I can't believe that, 50 feet too!" Duckman hissed. "When I was still on the show, I only had a 10-footer. I was the star of the stinkin' show! If I still had a contract, I'd tear it up and renegotiate."

"Hey Duckman, how about we order a pizza for King Chicken?" Atticus asked, sounding sneaky.

"Atticus, phony phone calls are a bad thing and you should never do them!" Duckman scolded him, then smirked. "But of course!" he dialed the number and placed an order on the pay phone they were by. "Hello, Dante's Pizza, I want...What? King Chicken's trailer?" he then disguised his voice. "Why, yes it is, and yes, that would make me King Chicken! Buck..."

Atticus sighed at the King Chicken bit, but hopefully it would help them on this mission.

"I demand to order a pizza!" Duckman continued. "And I want everything on it, onions, pepperoni, sausage! I want every single topping in the wooorld! And send some extra napkins." he then hung up and told Atticus to keep hiding as the pizza van would be coming any second.

"King Chicken and Cherry, please report to your trailer and pick up your intercom." the Messager drawled.

King walked with Cherry, who now had a cigarette in her mouth. They came to the front door of the trailer again.

"Note to self... Mercilessly torture gate guard, now, what's that buckin' combination again?" King muttered to himself.

Cherry took out the cigarette and tapped it a bit.

"I can't believe what he's doing with her..." Atticus whispered to Duckman.

"You'll live." Duckman told him.

King did as Cherry told him, dialed the combination and walked inside with her to pick up the intercom. "Yes, what is it? Buck! No, you ninny-pie, we did not order a pizza!"

"Well, maybe I got cravings... Just think of the baby..." Cherry said, over dramatically.

"There is no baby..." King seethed at her, then dragged back to the studio.

Duckman and Atticus came from the phone corner and looked at the trailer. "We've got to find a way past that lock." Duckman said.

"Maybe the sound stage has something inside we could borrow." Atticus suggested.

And with that, the two walked inside the sound stage for the Duckman show. There was a man inside, spraying around the set that looked like the Duckman family living room with audience seats above them.

"Why, it's my favorite cranky old stagehand, Crappy O'Malley," Duckman greeted warmly. "How're things hangin', Crappy?"

"They're twisted and hanging on the ground, ya punk," O'Malley sneered at him. "Now, get the hell off the stage and take that street urchin with you!"

"Crappy, it's me, Duckman! The real Duckman! Don't you remember me, old-timer?" Duckman asked.

"Of course, I remember you, ya leaky colostomy bag. You still owe me 50 bucks," O'Malley growled. "And can the old-timer crap. You know perfectly damn well I'm only 29. Damn job ages you. Now get the hell out of here, they're not filming your or that street urchin's scene yet."

"Choke on your own bile, you old fudge pot." Duckman grumbled.

"Aw, blow it out your pie hole!" O'Malley snapped.

Duckman and Atticus left. While they did, O'Malley took the stage spray and started chugging it down to drown his sorrows.

 

"What are we going to do and how are we going to get in that trailer?" Duckman wondered.

Atticus tried to think, then snapped his fingers. "I have an idea! Remember when we were at the Superstore and there was that Wacky Putty?"

"What of it?" Duckman asked.

Atticus took out the Wacky Putty he had taken from the store and stretched it. "We place this on King Chicken's steps, he steps on it, and we'll get the combination so we can get in the trailer to see what he's up to!"

Duckman was taken aback by him. Maybe he underestimated the boy. He went to the pay phone while Atticus set it on the steps and ran with Duckman to hide.

"Wacky Putty, good for making impressions of your favorite cartoon characters." Duckman whispered. "Hours of fun and you can copy anything with it."

"I hope King Chicken makes a good impression on this." Atticus joked.

"Now all we have to do is get my arch-enemy out here and we can get his arch impression." Duckman said. He dialed the Dante's Pizza number and remembered to do his best King Chicken impression. "Dante's Pizza? This is King Chicken, send me a number nine pizza. Buck! That's right, the Genghis Khan special...with extra pineapple." he hung up.

"King Chicken, please report to your trailer and pick up the intercom." the Messager said.

"Just wait... Everyone's going to pay..." King told Cherry as they walked to the trailer and noticed the Wacky Putty. King growled viciously at seeing it. "What is this, a buckin' joke? Some infidel left the likeness of my most hated foe upon my doorstep!"

Cherry grinned, wickedly. "Smash it."

King squashed it, much to his delight. "I've crushed you, Duckman, I've stomped you flat, mwahahahaha buck buck buck!" he then went inside the trailer with Cherry to pick up the intercom. "What? No, you nitwit, no pizza! The only thing we ordered lately was your wet and painful death!" King hung up and they went off.

Duckman and Atticus came from their hiding spots and saw the Wacky Putty formed the combination under King Chicken's shoes.

"The combination that he had written on his foot is now in our hands!" Duckman laughed. "Now to find out what that heel is up to." he dialed the combination and walked inside with Atticus.

 

The two came inside the trailer. There was the phone, a stalker shrine engraved to Cherry, a Duckman dart board, a blueprint, a Duckman NO poster, and some parts of the New Duckman. Atticus shuddered at some as did Duckman.

"This place reeks of evil," Duckman shuddered. "Either that or King Chicken had the fish for lunch."

The two went exploring. They came across the phone, the blueprints, and the spare parts of the New Duckman.

"I bet the New Duckman was created by King Chicken just to get your goat." Atticus hypothesized.

"It wouldn't surprise me." Duckman remarked.

"Look at these." Atticus showed the spare parts.

"Whoa! When King Chicken decides to make a date, he doesn't fool around. We should trash all this junk, that would teach King Chicken a lesson. But not like the lesson Mrs. McPhillbreen taught me in the eraser banging room back at Rashburn Junior High."

Atticus tuned Duckman out during that rant. He looked at the blueprint and gasped to see that it included killing the Duckman family.

Duckman went to look with him. "Let's see what sort of evil King Chicken is up to this week," he took a look at the blueprint. "Arch villains always lay out their evil plans on drawing boards like this. Let's see what that tub of corruption King Chicken is up to?"

"According to this, the New Duckman's a killer robot." Atticus said.

"So, that explains why he makes so much damn noise when he walks," Duckman observed. "He's got a machine gun built into his arm and a beak full of bullets."

"King Chicken hates you so much he's taking it out on your family! And look at that number, scene 14!"

"That's the very next scene!" Duckman gasped in fear.

"Scene 14 is now filming," the Messager announced, much to the boys' misfortune. "All actors in scene 14 please report to the stage."

"We gotta stop that crazy chicken's robot before it's too late!" Atticus spouted.

"We've got to stop this NOW!" Duckman said.

 

They quickly went to the sound stage, even though they weren't needed there yet. They had to save Bernice, Ajax, Charles, and Mambo before it would be too late.

"Get your feathered and pink kiester in here, Duckman and kid," O'Malley told them. "And be quiet. Your scene is next. Look alive, everybody, and that means you, Ms. Claudette Colbert! This is the New Duckman Show. Episode 16, Scene 14 tape is rolling, you rotten sons of bees."

The camera came on. Duckman and Atticus couldn't find Cherry or King Chicken anywhere, but they kept quiet like they were told.

"While the new Duckman is off saving the world, let's spend some quality time together." Bernice said, recited.

"Yeah, turn on the TV, Ajax." Charles told his older brother.

Ajax turned on the TV with the remote. What they all didn't know was that the remote activated a secret door to unleash the New Duckman to kill them all on stage. He removed his gloved hand to reveal a machine gun to end their lives one by one. Bernice, Charles, and Mambo would tell Ajax what to do with the TV and he woud do it, unknowing that it powered the New Duckman as well. Atticus and Duckman had to think quickly on how to defeat the New Duckman.

"Didn't we collect something on the way to start this graphic adventure?" Atticus wondered.

Duckman tried to think, but luckily Ajax's channel surfing also affected the robot's hand. "Let's see... Universal remote control, spray paint, box of matches, stick of gum, Playboy phone number, garbage can lid, Chinese fortunes, toilet plunger, Wacky Putty, the wrench, sheet music, and Dante's pizza... Hmm..."

"Universal Remote, that's it!" Atticus took it. Hopefully that would change the killer's channels for good.

Atticus did his best with the buttons on the remote. The robot had difficulties with his lasers and machines to kil the family. Atticus did his best at wrestling too and tried not to interfere with the scene. Atticus had to stop this now, but how could he? The robot was nearly unbeatable. He glanced up to see the stage lights and pressed the button to make the stage lights turn off and fall on and electrocute the robot right behind the Duckman family. It was now completely dark.

"Can't anyone build a relilable robot assassin anymore?" King Chicken's voice snorted. "Off to plan B!"

Bernice whooted suddenly. "Cold hands, King Chicken! The least you could do is buy me dinner...or a car."

"Oww." Ajax droned.

"Stop resisting, you little rugrats and come with us." King Chicken snapped.

"You've had this coming all through the story, King-Pain-in-the-Ass! Here, take that!" Duckman snapped, then started to beat up in the dark. "And that! And some of that! And add a pinch of that and stiiiiirrrrr! Where's all your big talk now, King Pow Chicken?"

Atticus found a light switch and flicked it on. He saw that Duckman had been wrestling with Cornfed by mistake.

"Duckman, stop this insanity, before I slap you silly, it's me, Cornfed." the pig corrected his beatings.

Duckman stopped and set his former partner down. "Corny? But where's King Chicken? The kids and Bernice? Well, the kids, anyway."

"King Chicken has taken them captive, Duckman and Atticus," Cornfed explained. "They've gone through next door to the Star Trek stages."

"Let's go, pals." Duckman told the human and pig.

 

Duckman, Atticus, and Cornfed made it to the stages. There was a spaceship though leaving the stage and zipping away in acceleration.

"We're too late!" Atticus cried.

"Judging by their trajectory, they're heading into a low Earth orbit," Cornfed observed. "We've got to go after them. But for the first time, in my life, I can't think of anything because I've got this stupid Kenny Loggins song stuck in my head!"

"Leave the thinkin' and drinkin' to us, buddy," Duckman told him.

 

The group then went to Hung Low plumbing and the agent's office where the cherry picker was.

"Corny, look sharp, we've got to get up there after King Chicken and rescue my family and Atticus's friend." Duckman instructed.

"Mr. Cornfed, do you think you can figure out those controls and launch us?" Atticus asked, though now that he asked that out loud, it sounded like a bad idea.

"Duckman, your newfound heroism is both stirring and oddly exhilarating," Cornfed stated. "Clearly recent events have triggered a metamorphosis of sorts, allowing previously unseen facets of your persona to trickle through like the beads of sweat on the back of a freshly areobicized Jane Fonda. Climb aboard, partners, and leave launchin' to me."

"Wait, this suddenly sounds like a bad idea." Atticus said nervously.

"Quit your belly aching, we're going and we're boldly going where no-" Duckman said, but was interrupted.

"Different franchise, Duckman." Cornfed told him, reminiscent of when he was Spock and Duckman was Kirk in their Star Trek parody episode.

"Whatever, we're going!" Duckman said.

The two got into the cherry pick when it was low. Cornfed then pulled a switch and sprung the two upward very high, leaving the sky and plummeting into deep space.


	11. Chapter 11

Duckman and Atticus were now floating in space and right next to a space ship. Although they were without spacesuits and air helmets, they seemed to had been doing alright.

"All right!" Duckman beamed. "I took charge of the situation, came up with a plan, and it worked! And now here we are... 20,000 miles above the Earth with probably three seconds of oxygen and no way back down. Maybe this taking initiative crap isn't so great after all... Curse you, Tony Robbins!"

"I can't believe we're in the deep vacuums of space without helmets!" Atticus gasped.

"Well, in my show, the laws of nature don't apply, you probably just go lucky." Duckman remarked. "You should enjoy this while you can. Years from now, this will all be shopping centers, lackluster video stores and Chinese fast food joints that give you the shimmering squishies."

"Well, we're stranded with no way out." Atticus sighed.

"I knew this was going to happen," Duckman told him. "I should've seen the writing on the wall... Actually, I did see the writing, I just missed the fingerprint on the wall. Anyway, we have to get over and rescue my family!"

Duckman and Atticus both tried to move. However, when they did, the galaxy kept pushing them back and prevented them from going any further leaving them stuck. They came closer and spotted the Chicken Ship.

"There it is, the starship enterprise," Duckman recognized the machine. "The ultimate geek magnet. We've got to get over there and rescue the family."

"Are you totally sure that's the Starship Enterprise?"

"It's either the Starship Enterprise or a cartoon drawing of the Starship Enterprise. We should get over there and investigate."

"But, how?"

Duckman and Atticus looked at the things they had. Atticus took out the spray paint and clicked the top which pushed him back a bit. He then had it push him back to Duckman and he pushed them both closer to the window of the ship where there was a repairman actualy there, working on the ship.

"I am being so capable today," Duckman remarked. "We see a problem and BAM! We solve it. I feel like an action hero."

"You mean like Bruce Willis?" the repairman asked, noticing them. "I love his movies. And that wifey of his really gets my crank to spinnin', if you know what I mean."

Duckman floated toward him. "Spare me the details, Buck Owens, hey! You're that sign repairman that I..."

"Yup," the repairman turned to him. "But don't worry, I'm not sore at you for launching me into space. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Atticus looked up at Duckman, now knowing that detail.

"Since I've been up here, I've made a tidy bit of money repairing busted down satellites and such." the repairman continued. "I just fixed up a orbiting death laser that had been acting up a bit. Look down there. See where Canada used to be?"

"So, are you working for King Chicken now?" Atticus asked.

"Sure I am," the repairman told him. "I'm doing a little fixin' and cleanin' up on his ship. It's kinda in sorry in shape, with it being just an old movie prop."

"Just dandy!" Duckman scoffed. "I'm stuck outside this idol of a bunch of socially handicapped, episode debating, Never Kissed a Girl at Age 30, Still Doing Their Mother's Laundry Losers, and King Chicken has my family inside. I've got to get in there. Many a mediocre actor has ridden the ship to fame, fortune, and TJ Hooker."

"How are we gonna get in?" Atticus wondered, looking at the very dirty window.

"How shoud I know? I never watched the freakin' show! Is there a doorbell?"

"Either way, this window is filthy."

"Sure is, and this bug specked window looks like either the only way into the ship, or Bill Murray's face. The glass must be distorted, because on the other side I can see an amorphous humanoid blob."

Atticus took a closer look, then scooted back a bit. "I think that's your son, Ajax."

Duckman adjusted his glasses. "You could very well be right."

Atticus went to get the window washer tool from the repairman. "Can I borrow this?"

"Go right ahead." the repairman allowed him.

Atticus smiled and went to wash the window.

"If you're so clever, have you figured out why we can breathe out here in space?" Duckman questioned the repairman.

"Aw, that's easy," the repairman turned to him to explain. "Ya see, we're in a geosynchronous orbit directly above Hollywood. Technically, we're still on the Paramount Lot. Convenient, huh?"

"You realize that you're working for a criminal, don't you? King Chicken belongs in jail!"

"I know he's a bad man, but I make sure he pays me in cash and we never eat off the same corncob."

"You and I need to have words, Flash Clueless."

"I'm on the job here and I'd back off if I were you. I belong to the Interstellar Repairman's Union."

"And let me guess, if I keep bothering you, your union president is going to fly over in his little Jetson's ship and vomit acid on me."

"If you're lucky, that's all he'll do."

"He's not going to be any help," Duckman told Atticus about the man with them. "We've got to get inside on our own." He then tried to yell for Ajax, but he wouldn't respond.

Atticus finished cleaning the window, thinking that might at least do something for them.

The window rolled down and Ajax was indeed behind it. "Let me give you a dollar for your trouble, outer space homeless person."

"Ajax! Good to see you, son. Now get the hell out of our way." Duckman said.

 

Atticus and Duckman slithered in and made inside the ship okay and were now standing next to Ajax.

"Hey, space men, one of you looks eerily like my former Dod," Ajax observed. "Only you don't smell like old liquor."

"Ajax, it's me, you ninny, I am your father." Duckman told him dramatically.

"Nooooo!" Ajax cried. "Now, you're gonna cut off my hand with your light saber, evil space man that looks like my Dod."

"Ajax, we're here to rescue you." Atticus told him.

"He's right, boy, where is everyone and where is that tired ham bag, King Chicken?" Duckman added.

"You mean that fiendishly clever ham bag?" Ajax asked, looking rather fiendish.

"King Chicken's a lunatic, son. I've warned you about admiring mad men since you came back from Montana."

Ajax led Duckman and Atticus over to another part of the ship. There were control buttons with a transporter disc with another Ajax, Charles, Mambo, Grandmama, Bernice, and Cherry, now as her true self in her regular clothes and look on it.

"Let's see... Bernice, Grandmama, Charles, Mambo, Cherry, and Ajax," Duckman observed, then Atticus grew nervous as the Ajax with them looked cold and cunning. "Hmm... Something wrong here. Don't tell me, I'll figure it out."

Ajax removed his head to reveal a female French mask.

"You! I shoulda known!" Duckman hissed.

The face was removed to show an old college professor face.

"Aha, I knew it!" Duckman continued.

That mask came off and King Chicken blossomed right out of the costume to reveal he was behind this all along. He laughed wickedly, with Duckman and Atticus in his clutches. "You silly, stupid, man and boy! I can't believe how naïve you both are."

"King Chicken wearing a disguise, who would've figured?" Cherry asked, seeming to be delivering an exposition to Atticus who looked clueless on the whole mask ordeal. "Duckman might have suspected, of course, had he ever taken the time to watch his own show. That was sarcasm."

"Why is King Chicken doing this though?" Atticus asked.

"Duckman viciously mocked George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken in high school and apparently that festering ball of hatred finally erupted, prompting King Chicken to destroy Duckman's life and family, including us." Cherry continued.

"King Chicken, you fiendish master of make-up!" Duckman cornered the villain of the story. "You'd think I'd be wise to your disguises by now."

"You mean after that incident in the parking lot behind the rumba lounge in Bakersfield?" King Chicken quieried.

"That was you? Hmm... You can really get a groove going. Now, wait a minute!"

"Fool! I'm teleporting your family and this ugly little girl to the five corners of this ship."

"And then I suppose you're going to set the ship to blow up before we can rescue them?"

"Actually... I hadn't thought of that. Excellent suggestion though. There is apparently more than shredded newspaper in that misshapen skull of yours," King took out a communicator. "Computer? Begin self-destruct sequence...Now!"

"I'd rather not," the computer replied. "Can't you two boys just talk things over?"

"No arguments, Computer. Blow up the ship...NOW! Well... I mean... not right this very second. Give me a minute to get out of here."

"Oh, alright. The ship will self-destruct in 60 seconds. Please fasten seat belts and place tray tables in the upright position."

"Good job, Duckman." Bernice scoffed.

Suddenly, the Duckman family and Cherry disappeared to be teleported away for King Chicken's fiendish plots.

"And this should make retrieving your family and friend a little more interesting," the poultry smirked. "Or at least bit more contrived." he then blasted the controls and waddled off to make his escape. "Farewell, Duckman and ugly boy, if I didn't despise every fiber of your beings, I think I'd actually miss you. But I do, so I won't." he boarded the ship and zoomed away into space to go back to Earth, abandoning them.

"I can't believe this," Duckman growled. "That bottom feeding jackal has gone too far! I've gotta see if we can get the teleporter controls to work."

Duckman and Atticus went to the now busted transporter machine controls. There was no manual or anything to help them. They would have to solve this problem on their own and they had at least less than a minute before they would all die in space and no one would ever know where to find them. There was a tiny screen to show the locations of everyone, even the repairman was found in there.

"You know what? This isn't worth it," Duckman left and went to the ship.

"Duckman, what's going on?" Atticus tried to stop him.

"Enough is enough, I'm out of here," Duckman told him. "The others acted like they didn't need me before, they can fend for themselves now."

"Duckman, no, don't go!" Atticus screamed.

Duckman started the ship and was on his way out. However, he stopped the ship and put it back down on the floor and stepped out. "I was such an idiot! I could never leave without my family. They mean everything to me. Big, busty, loose women and gallons of liquor are meaningless compared to them."

"Wow, Duckman, I'm impressed." Atticus smiled.

"Maybe not meaningless," Duckman withdrew that. "But they sure don't mean a lot. Not that I would ever turn either them down in a pinch. But, I can't leave without Bernice and the kids."

"Come on, let's try to beam in the repairman, he may know how to transport everyone here without any trouble." Atticus told him.

"Good thinking, Atticus." Duckman agreed.

They quickly went to the machine as the computer continued to count down and make estranged comments. The two located the repairman and transported him inside, though he was very disfigured right now. Atticus cringed in grimace glad that they got him inside before the family and Cherry.

"What in the name of Bob Vile's checkered undies is going on?" the repairman asked, looking very disgusting.

"Wow! Talk about having your yin up your yang!" Duckman shuddered. "This transporter keeps shorting out. We'll try to get you back to the way you were."

"Are you loopy? Like this, I'll be the best dang repairman in the galaxy," the man seemed rather pleased with his new form. "Gettin' into all those hard to reach spots will be a snap now. I don't know how to thank you, buddies, but let me start by havin' a look at your control panel there." The repairman crawled over to get a closer look in observation with his mouth now where his butt should be and his eyes on his new face. "Yep, this thing's shot, but I think I can get her up and running. Just let me scout around and get some parts."

"Whatever you need to do, hurry!" Atticus told him, feeling paranoid with the seconds going by quickly.

The repairman crawled off to get down to business. Atticus and Duckman waited patiently. Atticus was texting on his cell phone randomly while Duckman was examining an adult magazine from his pocket to pass the time, unsure of how long they had before the whole ship would destruct. Eventually, the repairman finally came by.

"I think I got what you need to fix her up right c'here." the repairman told them and started to fix up the transporter better than before. "We're all set, buddies. Why don't I just go ahead and beam your family and friend in here?"

"Knock yourself out, Roy Clark," Duckman told him. "Fire away."

The repairman continued to work on the teleporter and it was enough to beam in the Duckman family with Cherry all in perfect form.

"It took you long enough." Bernice snorted.

"Repair of the transporter circuits has realigned self destruct sequence," the computer's voice beamed. "Overload in 15 seconds."

"Quick everybody, there's a shuttle craft over here." Duckman announced.

Everyone did as told and followed Duckman. Hopefully this time it wouldn't lead to disaster. However, once they got to the craft, it was nearly all wrecked.

"Hey!" Atticus cried.

"What happened to that?" Cherry wondered.

"What the hell is going on?" Duckman growled at the repairman. "You stripped the shuttle for parts? You melon-headed, corncob sniffing, dung heap hopper. You took apart our only way home?"

"I don't need to stand here to get insulted, so long and thanks for the anomaly." the repairman scoffed. He then walked off in a huff.

"Since we're all going to be dead soon, there's something that I'd like to share with all of you," Ajax spoke up. "'Night Fever, Night Fever, we all want to do it'. There."

Cherry rolled her eyes. "Duffnut..." she murmured.

"Not now, Ajax," Bernice scolded her nephew. "In fact, never. For the first time in his wadded tissue of a life, your father is going to do something besides being a drain on society. So how 'bout it, Duckman? What are you going to do?"

"Think fast, no offense, but I didn't exactly want to die surrounded by ducks." Cherry added.

"Engine overload will take place...umm...Right now!" the computer droned. "I think you'll all agree this is a stupid way to die."

"Everyone jump on Grandmama's chair, NOW!" Duckman commanded.

 

The duck kids, Duckman, Atticus, and Cherry all hopped on and clung onto each other for support. Bernice got on the end of her mother's chair and pushed them out into space, hopping onto the chair as they drifted down and the ship exploded. Everyone screamed as they fell and the explosion nearly broke space's sound barrier, but no one was hurt.

"How fortunate, we seemed to have escaped the ship with little or no personal injury. Ow." Ajax said, rather calmly.

"Ajax, in case you haven't noticed, we're miles above the Earth, being pulled in by gravity towards a fiery and uncertain death." Bernice explained.

Everyone looked down as they were slowly going down to the third rock from the sun. How ever are they going to get out of this predicament?


	12. Chapter 12

Falling, the family and two human children were falling. They could die instantly if they don't think of something in time.

"I did it, we're free!" Duckman cheered.

"Yeah, Duckman," Charles snorted. "Free to crash into the Earth in a blazing fireball. Way to go."

"You guys don't blame me or hold me responsible for everything that happened, do you?" Duckman spoke up. "I hate to die with that on my conscience."

"Shut up and do something, Duckman!" Bernice hissed.

"I always thought I'd go to Hell in a hand basket, not on a broken down barkolouger." Duckman said.

Cherry wheezed from the claustrophobia while Atticus looked very sick. They were all going to die right now. No one had expected it would end like this.

"If I had a couple of rocket boosters on me, I could strap 'em on and we'd be home and in front of the tube in no time," Duckman continued to ramble on. "Tonight, a very special Baywatch."

"We are gonna die..." Cherry moaned, it felt like they had literarily no time left to exist. She even started to cry.

"Don't cry, sweetie, it's not your fault," Bernice coaxed. "It's my fault for allowing my sister to marry this nutcase!"

"Duckman, can't we use matches or something?" Atticus suggested.

"That's not going to help us," Duckman told him. "We'd better try something else, or the last thing that goes through my mind will be Bernice's fat keester."

Cherry was nearly screaming and crying. She really didn't want to die right now, this was just too much to take in. Atticus was surprised, he had never seen her act like that before in all the times he had known her.

Duckman then took out the gum, realizing he and Atticus had never used it during their graphic adventure together. "I got us into this mess, now let's see if I can save our skins." He took out some of the gum and started chewing quickly and putting the sticky silver wraps under Grandmama's chair.

 

Suddenly a big fire-ball lit around them. It would have dissolved them all and burnt them each into a crisp if it hadn't been for Duckman's actual clever thinking. The group plummeted down into the Earth's core and became a comet. They all flung into the New Duckman balloon behind the Paramount Lot gates and they were all squashed together.

King Chicken was just about to enter his trailer as this was happening. "'Have a robotic assassin kill Duckman's family', she says. 'You'll have ultimate revenge,' she says. Good advice, Mother." He went inside his trailer to relax, thinking things had gone his way.

The Starship Enterprise crashed down in the middle of Hollywood, nearly crushing King Chicken. The Duckman family, Cherry, and Atticus were all safe and sound now on Earth and in their rightful home. Cherry had just finished explaining why she ran away with King Chicken and that she was only going to be an acquaintance with the Duckman family now including Duckman himself. Cherry and Atticus became friends again though.

"This situation is cloaked irony," Ajax stated. "A latex form of our most dangerous enemy actually embraced us in his arms for a most comfortable landing."

"Is it getting cold in here?" Bernice asked once Duckman came to his family. "Has Hell frozen over? Did Duckman actually do something right for a change?"

"Choke on it, Bernice!" Duckman snapped. "I saved the day with the help of our new friends! And since it will probably never happen again, I intend to make the most of it. Alert the media, it's time for a press conference."

 

Later, the group staged a press conference. Even Cornfed arrived to see it with them. Millions of people from the adventure flooded in to witness the revival of the old Duckman.

"I'd like to thank the members of the press for getting here so quickly," Duckman announced. "It's a lucky thing that there's a bar just down the street. I'm certain, now that I'm back on top, that most of you are sorry for all the rude and ridiculing remarks made at my expense. Personal apologies can be emailed to me at .com. My life has forever been changed in errant ways mended. Yes, I'm determined to become a better father and more conscientious provider to my family...Or at least I will in a week or two. For the moment I've got a lot of catching up to do and a spoonful of urges to get out of my system." he then knocked on the saucer a few times, smiling at the crowd.

"Be careful, Duckman," Cornfed advised. "The saucer is precariously balanced at best."

Duckman either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him, because he had moved onto other subjects. "If my former arch nemesis, King Chicken wasn't currently flatter than my date for the senior prom, I'd actually thank him for giving me this second chance to realize just how carnal and wasteful my life has been. I dedicate the coming weeks of substance abuse and womanizing to his memory." he knocked on the saucer again.

 

Just then, the saucer tilted. Cherry and Atticus saw and ran off screaming leaving Hollywood as the saucer tipped over and possibly squished them all.

The agent came by and whistled at the sight. "Unfortunately that caused Duckman to cancel his series."

"Duckman is cancelled?" Atticus wondered.

"Yeah, when it's their week for a new episode, it'll be their last," the agent told him. "I'm sorry kids."

"How are we gonna break it to him? We met him, spent a lot of time with him, this is gonna crush him worse than Beatrice's death." Cherry said.

The agent scratched his chin. He grew a soft spot for Atticus, and something about Cherry made him feel good. "How would you kids like to be in Duckman's final episode?"

Cherry and Atticus blinked. They then looked at each other and back at the agent. "We'll think about it." they said together, having their adventure end right there.


End file.
